Baby Picture

Now I am having a debate with myself weather or not to share this on my blog or not. I have tried to not filter or hold back on these posts but it gets hard. I figure I shouldn't hold back, hence the word "diary" There is probably only one person that I don't want to see this but that is neither here nor there. I just think he doesn't deserve to see it with the way he has been acting. But if I learned anything from the royal wedding its don't repay evil with evil.

I had my first doctor's appointment on Friday morning and I got this picture. No news yet on weather it is a boy or a girl but it is nice to know that there is only one and it is healthy. My doctor went on to say that I have a very photogenic baby (takes after me already) I am starting to get more excited and less of the negative stuff. 

I hate to admit.

I am so guilty. I shouldn't have done it. It can't be undone now. I think I will remember it though, cause it was historic. I totally watched the Royal Wedding. I hadn't planned on it but my insomnia forced me to watch it. Yes, I was up at 4am to watch Prince William get hitcherooed. I had to wake up at 7am that morning, but I still watched anyway. I didn't watch all of it though, I fell asleep during the choir singing. So all in all I got a whopping 3 hours of sleep and I am beat. It was a beautiful wedding to watch and I might not be very glad now, I know I will be later when I can say, "Hey I watched that!" 

Don't worry, be happy.

I know this is a little bit lazy of me to just post a video, so I am going to put a little something too. I won't worry about it. I choose to be happy and I think we could all learn from this song. I loved it when I was younger. I think it forces a smile on everyones face. 

Satisfied for now.

I fulfilled my craving, just in case any of you were wondering. I didn't get exactly what I wanted but I got close enough. I'm really having a blogger's block tonight. I don't know what to say. I don't want to just sit here and babble about nothing. This brain fog of mine is frustrating.

I didn't get as much done today as I wanted. I had high hopes that I would clean my whole house today. Ha, that was biting off way more then I can chew. Baby steps, I just have to take baby steps.

All I want.

I just want some hot wings! I saw someone eating them on tv, now I can't get them out of my head. I keep thinking about the fastest way to get some. I don't want the crappy kind either. I want high quality chicken wings. I want the kind from Hooter's or Buffalo Wild Wings, even though I have never been there. I wonder what time they open. We don't have a Hooter's around here so I would have to settle for Buffalo Wild Wings, or a few of the other wing places around here. Maybe I should just buy the stuff to make Hooter's wings. I have made them before so I know what's what. I don't know how I will get my hands on them but trust me it will get done!!! I will have to settle on something different to eat for now. Sad.

I don't wanna.

I don't wanna do anything! I don't even want to sit at the computer. I don't wanna pick up all the toys in the living room, so maybe I will just do it tomorrow. I don't want to do the laundry. I don't wanna get a drink but I will have to cause I am thirsty. I don't wanna turn the light off. I guess you could say I have a case of the lazies. I don't want to do anything. I have a boarder line headache and I just wanna sleep it off. I don't know how to shake this feeling. I guess just some rest should do. Alright I'm going to try that.

Happy Easter!!

Well today was fun-filled for sure! So much fun! The kids have Easter candy up to their heads. We dyed eggs today and hunted them too! I spent some quality time with the family and it went well. We all had a lot of fun. I did take some good pictures and I will upload them when I get home. I am still at my mother's house and I just thought I would post a little something just in case I was late getting home. I am so so so glad that I don't work tomorrow. I just wish my time off didn't go so fast. Ok, more to come later, I promise. 

Basket case.

I do believe that I have out done myself this year. I made baskets for all of my family that I will be seeing tomorrow. I tried to add a little something special for each person. Its nothing too big, but its the little things that count right? I am so happy that I have the next two days off!! The kids will be so excited! I will let them camp out in the living room tomorrow night and they love doing that.

I gotta get to doing things tonight, but I just wanted to say that I got some much needed comfort tonight. It feels so nice, but it makes me very emotional. I am sick of crying. I just want to enjoy the happy stuff and let it make me smile, not cry.

Ok, concentrate on the yummy food smells that are coming from my kitchen. I am making some sausage and potatoes. De-lish! I hope everyone has a GREAT EASTER!! I will surely take some pictures tomorrow and maybe post a few. Time to get hopping.....

Oh and BTW never try to buy a ham the day before Easter. They will be all out of the good ones.

Okay Friday.

Happy Good Friday ya'll! I hope it was "good" to you. Mine was just ok. I did get to see my Grandma and my Uncle which was nice. I still have a lot of Easter basket doings to do. I still have a ham to buy and eggs. There is just so much to do that comes with the holidays. Grrr I am just so full of everything, thoughts, air, worries, plans, burger king. Too much! I need to relax.

Fearing Family.

Tis the season for family get-together's and spending quality time with them. I fear this completely. I have found myself close to tears a couple of times today just thing about hanging around them. I feel guilty about this, so much. I should give them more credit right? I just feel the judgement in their eyes when I tell them my unexpected news. I already feel like the black sheep of my family. I know that this is probably all in my head but no one really ever says different. I hope that I can just hold my head high and know that my family will love me no matter what, and that I will love them as well. Oh man I gotta tell my dad soon too. I need to NOT stress about this....Is that possible?

So I got a little relief at work from a co-worker. She reminded me that I am a grown woman that can make decisions for herself. My family needs to not judge and if they do then it is their problem not mine. I am doing all that I can to make things right for me and my own family. I think things will be fine, no, I know they will. 

Half Birthday!

So today marks the halfway point through my 29th year. I have got to say I am ready for the next 6 months! I remember I use to celebrate this day when I was little. I use to tell everyone that I was "whatever age" and A HALF!! I don't want to stop doing that. I want to celebrate life! I want to not fear aging.

It has been a nice lazy day. I am getting things ready for easter baskets. I need a few more things and then I want to dye eggs. The kids are with their dad this week so I won't get to see them until Sunday. I think I am going to dye Easter eggs by myself this year. I love taking picture of them when they are all done. I got a "groovy" egg dying kit so I should be able to have fun with it.

I have some tater-tot casserole cooling on the stove. I am so hungry lately! (duh.) I have about 3 other things that I want to cook and I just want to cook them all right now. I am just glad that I want home cooked food. I eat takeout way to much, but it is just so good.

No alarm.

Hooray, I get to sleep until I wake up tomorrow. I am so happy about that. Knowing me I will end up getting up early and then not be able to fall asleep. That is how it always seems to work out.

I am really having a serious case of missing my best friend. I haven't seen her in 10 months! She lives about 7 hours away, her and her husband both work a whole lot so it has been difficult for them to come home. I am just really missing her so much it makes me want to cry. She is such an amazing friend and person. I need her and it just sucks that we are so far apart. I really really hope I get to see her soon. We talk a lot on the phone but it just isn't the same.

I am starving and NEED to eat. I love how I can go from not feeling hungry to starving in 3 minutes. Time to feed this face!

Please hold.

I had to work late tonight so I missed dancing with the stars. I know my fave did great but I just gotta see it. So I feel a little bad for cutting this post short but, oh well. Please forgive me while I put ya'll on hold while I google the crap out of this episode. I can't wait for my hulu to update....too long to go without it.

Please hold.

I had to work late tonight so I missed dancing with the stars. I know my fave did great but I just gotta see it. So I feel a little bad for cutting this post short but, oh well. Please forgive me while I put ya'll on hold while I google the crap out of this episode. I can't wait for my hulu to update....too long to go without it.

Same old Sunday

It's just another Sunday here in my little world. Nothing new to talk about. My mind is tired and my body is catching up. This last week has been just crazy. I hope this week is more stress free then the last one. I just need some relaxing time to myself. I was busy as a bee this weekend and crammed just about as much as I could into Friday and Saturday. An Easter egg hunt, a trip to the mall, a trip to the doctors office, and a dozen more errands were ran. Now to sleep off the previous week!!! 

Busy thinking.

I find myself with a mindful tonight. Thinking about everything. Worrying about a lot as well. I feel whatever I try to do I am going to be judged somehow for trying to just survive in this world. I am busy as a bee trying to make sure that I can survive in this world and make sure that my children are well taken care of. Yet, when I need assistance I feel ridiculed for it, judged and made a fool. Believe me I would rather not have any sort of government assistance. I have lived 3 years in a small apartment with 40 dollars for food every two weeks and no medical assistance for myself or my children. I could no longer do it. I had my wages garnished for unpaid medical bills. I had had enough and chose to get some assistance. I have had it for a little over 8 months and I don't know how I survived without it.

Now I am by no means political. I think everything is very confusing when it comes to politics. I don't really know who to believe about what. I just keep reading about cuts here and there and most of them are aimed at the programs that help me the most. What did I do to deserve this. I really don't understand why the government wants to hurt the people that need the most help. Thanks for kicking me while I am down, I guess. I am moving to Canada....(just jokes)

I don't ever think that I deserve assistance. I am appreciative and am thankful for it. 

My fears.

I have been looking up a lot of single pregnancy support sites. I have came across one that I really enjoy and I might end up joining. It is just so touching to see all of the support there. It really makes me feel like I am not alone. Nobody to judge you or tell you that you are making the wrong decisions, just full on honest support. One thing someone wrote on there was that they made a list of all of their fears about their pregnancy. It made them feel better, so I am taking a note from this person to see if it works.

Fear #1. Having an unhealthy baby.
Fear #2. Telling my father.
Fear#3. Finances.
Fear#4. This little one growing up and not knowing the other half of its family.
Fear#5. How am I going to handle 3 kids.
Fear#6. Being alone and unwanted.
Fear#7. Being judged and looked down on.


Wow that actually helped. They all seem so small when I look at them like this. I know I can try my best to over come all of these. I know that I probably will have more to add as the time goes by but fear is natural. If I wasn't scared I would be worried...ha.

Pull it together.

Wow, last night was a crazy emotion-filled night. I kind of had a break down and I'm still having trouble dealing with somethings. I thought I was doing so well with all of the card I have been dealt lately. I have been being optimistic about things and just having an overall healthy attitude about everything. With one fail swoop all of that was shattered. I shouldn't let this nothing of a man get to me. He is losing in the end. I should feel sorry for his "new relationship" I still have gotten no response from my angry Facebook message. I don't know yet if I regret it or not. The one thing I am happy about is for saying exactly what was on my mind. I usually hold back and just let it fester. This time that didn't happen, I went for it and now I can't take it back. I am slightly proud of that. I don't need to hold back my emotions right now. I have the right to just let it all flow right out of me.

Now today is going to be difficult with work and having to pick up my kids from school. I usually have my mom to help me out when I work at 2, but not today. My mom is sick and I have to figure out if I can leave work and get them or if I can just come into work after I pick them up. I guess if worse comes to worst I will get them out of school early and take them to daycare. I just want to take a nap right now. I only got 3 hours of sleep but of course I am not feeling very tired. I hope I can just get to bed early tonight. This is my reason for an early post today. I need a break from something. Goodness someone just throw me a freaking bone here. 

Facebook ruins lives.

I am so emotional right now. My ex, and future baby daddy, just posted that he is "in a relationship" That just took me for a fucking whirl. I instantly let my emotions take control and messaged him the meanest Facebook message I could possibly think of. I don't know if I am going to regret it or not but I had to get my emotions out some how. I hate being that "crazy girl" but if there was ever a time that I deserved to be one it is now, right? I should be allowed to chew him a new asshole right? I really still don't know what to do about the whole situation except for call my best friends and cry. I have an enormous headache right now. I just wish I knew that everything was going to be ok. How can karma do me like this? Does an asshole like that deserve to be happy? Not in my book.

Work sucks.

Once again I am home late and the kiddos didn't get to bed until 11 o'clock. That is just not acceptable. I hate it so much. I guess I will only have to put up with it for a month or so but it is so tough. Not really tough on me but on my kids. They should be getting more then 8-7 hours of sleep a night. I just don't understand why my coworkers don't understand that. I know I have said all of this before but I hate it. I know I bring home the "bacon" and I make a decent living for a single mother. It all seems to come at too much of a price that I hate paying. I gotta figure this ish out. 

Song lyrics

I have decided to do something a little different today. I just wanted to post a few song lyrics that pertain to my life right about now. Its not going to be whole songs just the lyrics that I like, and relate to the most. Call me lazy but I like this idea.

"Well you couldn't be that man that I adored
you don't seem to know, seem to care
what your heart is for. But I don't know him anymore.
There nothing where he use to lie.
This conversation has run dry
That's what's going on. Nothings fine, I'm torn"
----Torn----by Natalie Imbruglia

"Well you lie like a penny in the parking lot of the grocery store
I just come way to natural to you"
----You Lie----by The Band Perry

"Everyday I fight for all my future somethings
a thousand little wars I have to choose between"
----Strip Me----by Natasha Bedingfield

"Although there's pain in my chest I still wish you the best
with a fuck you! (oo oo oo)"
----F**k You----by Cee Lo Green

"I get so tired of living like this
I don't have the time, neither do my friends
To stay up at night, to pull me through.
And to find the things to keep my mind off of you."
----What Do You Want----by Jerrod Nieman

"Before I put another notch in my lipstick case
you better make sure you put me in my place"
----Hit Me With Your Best Shot----by Pat Benetar

"I'm beautiful in my way cause
God makes no mistakes."
----Born This Way----by Lady Gaga

I know this is not a lot of songs, but Its the ones that I like to listen to often. They soothe my soul. 

Few things.

A few key things are coming up this month. Not really of significant importance, but milestones I guess. On the 17 of this month, it is my 11 anniversary of working at my place of employment. Wow! Yeah I am proud of myself. Not a lot of people can say they have been at a job for that long. No, it is not the most glamorous job and maybe a few people look down on me, but I support myself and my 2 (soon to be 3) children! (p.s.I'm not a stripper, not that there is anything wrong with that) The other milestone happens on the 20th! It will be my half birthday and I am halfway through my blog year! 6 months of blogging! Oh what a journey it has been. How much my life has changed and how much has stayed the same. I think these two milestones are pretty spectacular!

I almost slept right though.

I just woke up from what I guess you could call a nap. I fell asleep at like 10 o'clock! I almost slept through posting! Something woke me up! Ha ha! I think I might just go back to sleep but it is so hot in here.

You lie.

I am seeking comfort tonight in music. I came across a song that I love now. It is "You Lie" by The Band Perry. I think we all know our share of liars like this out there. Some of them don't even know the difference between the truth and a lie because I think they make themselves believe what they say is the truth. Now, I am not saying that I am innocent in all of this. I have surly said my share of lies.... I saw this man once, he had a t-shirt that said "EVERYBODY LIES" Now if that ain't the most truthful thing I have ever heard, I don't know what is. We all lie weather it is to make ourselves feel better or other reasons.

I just aim to be as truthful of a person as possible. I don't think I should hide the truth from someone just to spare their feelings. At this point I don't really think I have the ability to lie very much. Another thing is those people that claim they are brutally honest. Why be brutal? Just for your enjoyment? Just be honest, plain and simple. I just wish that I was never lied to by one certain person. It really hurts to no end. 

Pamper yourself.

We all need a day that we do something nice for ourselves. I went and got my hair done today. I feel pretty for the first time in a long time. Maybe it is a little selfish but I think I need to do more nice for myself. Other then getting my hair done and taking a nice nap, I didn't do much today. I need to prepare for the weekend full of work.

Today was a little frustrating though, it seemed like nothing wanted to work right. No water for a few hours and then the internet was being difficult. Ugh, not having water is not fun. I went Sat. through Tues. with no hot water and now this. Well, its on now so hopefully that will be the last of that problem. I am starting to feel a little icky so I think I need some relaxation. 

Where can I puke?

I'm just sitting at my desk, I just got home from work and from a late night Walmart run and now I feel sick. I know I just need to eat something but I just gagged and thought where can I puke. Its always nice to have that thought go through your head. I'm just going to drink some orange juice and see if that relaxes my tummy. Then I am going to relax my body. Goodnight! 

Life is good.

It might be the nap I had earlier, but I seem to be in good spirits right now. Or maybe it was the hand full of Swedish fish I just ate. I love feeling optimistic. I just hope this feeling lasts. I know that I will have some days that are not so great but I am just going to celebrate the good ones. There are so many reasons to be happy and I want to focus on that. I think that is healthy for me. The air outside smells so good and feels good too. I know it will be no time that the flowers will start blooming and I will be in my element.

I am a firm believer that happiness is a choice. You can choose to wallow in your own sadness and have a pity party for yourself or you can choose to be happy. I choose happiness. The negative thoughts and feelings are just not worth the energy. I just have faith that those who make me sad and those who are negative will have karma knocking at their door one day. I don't need to defend myself to anyone, I just need to be happy and be me!

What do you want?

I'm not knowing what to write in the ten minutes I have left before another day starts. I worked all day. I have no hot water. I didn't get to watch dancing with the stars. Not my day I guess.

Moving day.

Today I helped my mom move the rest of her stuff into her new place. I cleaned my old room for the last time! It was a little sad but her new house is so much nicer. I had to take a shower here because I have no hot water at home. Hot water is so not under rated! I am making this one short because I'm on,ny,cell and its about to die. Why can't smart phones be smarter about conserving battery?

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Venting.

I have some feelings that are a little on the hurt side. I feel rejected by a couple of people and I can't help but feel sad and mad about it. I thought I had plans with one of my best friends and then I see on her Facebook status that she is hiking or something in the hills without me. I feel really upset about this. Not only that but I sent a few texts in the last couple days and I get like no responses. I feel like I am just going to fade away to everyone.

Its ok I didn't want to do anything fun with you anyways. I know it is much more important to hang out with people that drink alcohol and can do other fun things. Ok, I am done for now. No more feeling sorry for myself. I'm done.

Late again.

Geez I have some issues with  time control or something. Well, I have a good excuse because I worked really late tonight and then mad a Walmart run afterwards. Now it is movie time with the kids and I wanna watch Tangled!!! I am ditching out early once again tonight. Happy April Fools day everyone. I hope you didn't feel like too much of a fool.