A coming of age tale.

I got to work a day shift today!! Yeah! I normally work a lot of nights so this was exciting for me today until, I realized I missed a show I like to watch. Now, that wouldn't normally be a big thing for me, but most of the shows I watch consist of crappy reality television (with the exception of HIMYM) I usually catch the show I miss later on a re-run or online. Well anyways, this show was not quite reality, but a TALK SHOW!! I thought to myself, "Wow I am getting old when I am bummed out by missing a daytime talk show." I don't know if that is a coming of age moment. I felt like it was for me. I was never ever a daytime talk show kind of person.

Well day one of my diet is almost over. I feel like the hardest part of the diet is to come. I love to snack at night. I will try my best not to. I still need to figure out a workout plan. I know I can think of something because I love to dance around and I have some 3lb weights. I am hungry though. I think I will have some whole grain rice, asparagus, and baked tilapia. Yum! But first I am going to watch The Talk.

I got my boys back!

I sure did miss my children. I share them with their dad and we exchange them every Sunday. I get to have them every other week. I tell you, going without them for a week is hard. It seems to get very lonely around these parts. I can get a lot done while they are gone but I just miss the crap out of the little buggers.

Well they are all tucked in their beds and read to. I love reading them books. But it makes me tired too. Off to bed for me, I gotta work in the morning

Awe hell naw!

This is the one I hope everyone reads.

No I don't feel uncomfortable hanging out with a couple, unless you make it ALL about you.
Go on a double date, I don't care, but PLEASE don't bring me with you.
I've never been in love, so just imagine for a minute what that feels like.
Please, oh please save your relationship drama and questions for someone else who knows about it.
Yes, I know your "In Love" quit telling me!!! After once it feels like your rubbing it in.
I don't need someone else to love me....I love me and that is all that matters, it is the most important relationship I have been working on. 

Zip your lip like a padlock.

I'm getting pumped. I guess once again I am going out on the town. Hope I have a lot of fun. I always do though. I wasn't planning on going out so I had to start to get pumped. It is working. I have a good mix of music playing that is getting me psyched. I hope to dance, maybe meet some new people, and dance some more. I need to shake off some of this extra weight I have obtained.

I am going to start on a diet of some sort on Monday. I hope it goes well. Not so much booze should help.

Come on.

I really am drawing a blank. Nothing is coming out right in my head. I will write a few lines and then delete them because they don't make any sense.

Well I am going out tonight and things could get interesting. I hope they don't though. I just want regular. Interesting is not my style tonight. I don't think it will be bad. I am staying positive that I will have fun. Positivity is hard to come by these days. I think mine froze in the -4 degree weather...

Hot chocolate and breakfast.

I am content sitting here with my hot chocolate. I am contemplating making me some breakfast food. It just sounds so delicious right now. I really need to start back on my diet. I have been so horrible lately with all the fried foods and beer. It is my weakness.

I think I am doing better then I have been the last couple of days. I am more positive and thinking about positively changing my life, and going after my dreams. That can never be a bad thing right?  

I'm having a moment.

So I was looking around on facebook, never good, and I see that my ex posted something. He said he was excited about going out of town for a thing. Funny thing is, is that 2 weeks ago he lied to me and said that his thing was going on then. I knew that he was lying. It made me angry. Then I made the horrible mistake of looking at his page, only to see some skank saying that he is sexy. THAT made me FURIOUS. I had been doing so good. F*C*.  I feel like I am regressing I have made all the right steps. I deleted his number. I hid all of his FB feed as of now. What else can I do. I guess I am just going to try to roll with it. Thats all I can do right? What doesn't kill me only......blah blah blah stronger.

I know I mostly talk about my (mostly failed) attempts at relationships with men. That is me. Take it or shove it. Sorry I am having a moment...

Spark and hustle.

I was watching this show today, I think it was The Talk, which I love. They had a guest that was a business lady. She was talking about having a spark, which meant and idea, and then having the hustle to make money from said idea. I really like what she had to say. It made me think about my interest in photography and how I need some hustle.

Well more on that later. Now I am going to go to the hookah lounge with some friends, and going to chill. So I have to post this fast. No dilly dallying!!!

nothing.

I am feeling so tired and drained today. I don't want to do anything but sit at home in my pj's and sleep. I tried having a cup of coffee but that didn't work. I tried another cup, but that also failed. I don't know what to do. I might try to venture outside and do a little shopping or something. Hopefully I can muster up the energy to put on some pants. The freezing cold weather also isn't helping me want to go anywhere.

Maybe I just need some rest. Maybe it is my body's way of telling me I need to catch up on some z's. Well either way at least I still have the energy to cook and clean, not as much as I need to get the whole apartment clean, but I did do a sink full of dishes and cook a stew. It's all about the small victories right?

Sleepy snowy Sunday

I really get pissed when it is a blizzard outside and people are coming to the mall and ordering ice cream! Yes that was my day today. We got about 10 inches of snow and it is blowing around a bit. I think it is about negative some odd degrees out. Does it really matter after it hits below zero? Not really.

So yes my place of work was busy today, and I am tired as all hell. I know it is because I only had about 5 hours of sleep but I had fun last night. It was a little more drama filled then I expected, with the couples I was with arguing and bickering. It made me feel really happy to be single.

No work for me tomorrow and I am happy about that!! I am going to relax all day long, maybe see if I can watch HIMYM (How I Met Your Mother) from season 1 to 5. I could possibly finish cleaning the rest of my apt. but who knows. All I know is that I am not setting an alarm clock! I love those kind of days. 

Let the snow fall!!!!

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN RAPID CITY HAS UPGRADED THE WINTER 
STORM WARNING TO A BLIZZARD WARNING...WHICH IS NOW IN EFFECT FROM 
MIDNIGHT TONIGHT TO MIDNIGHT CST SUNDAY NIGHT. 


Oh yeah we are in for it! Good thing I am set on gas and my other vices. Well, except for chocolate and beer. I must fix that. I guess I have until midnight to prepare. My boys are going to spend the night at their Grandma's house so that should be interesting. I am going to laugh if we only get a few inches of snow. I really just want enough to take pictures in it. 


Well now that I successfully blinded myself learning how to use my flash slave. Wow yellow rectangles everywhere....wicked. Alright I am better now. I hope that I can get a few photo opportunities tonight. I feel as thought I have a lot to learn about this camera, and I am so ready!


Basically tonight is going to be just me and a couple of friends hanging out and having a few brews. I am just wondering if this weather is going to keep them home, or no. I have a feeling they will show up either way. My place is close to just about everything.  


I guess I am going out with one of my besties for some coffee and then it is time to get the magic potion ingredients. 

Ridin Solo

That song is my new jam! I totally is my theme song for the moment. I love that music knows exactly what we are feeling. It makes me feel like I am not alone in this world.

I gotta say I have been watching a lot of music videos lately and I have seen a lot of POF references. I don't get it. If anyone else knows, fill me in. Even the new Britney video has one. Humm.

Today was rough, work wise, but now it is over and I am over it. Kicking back with a brew and some music. Bliss!!!!

Chocolate wasted.

Oh yeah! I hit the jackpot with some Valentines chocolates. Oh yes!! I got the good kind too! The Ferrero Rochet kind, and a heart tin of Mrs. Feilds.  I only got a small heart shaped box of them but I am glad. I have already had 3 but I feel a little guilty. Whatever, I deserve it.

I feel very productive today. I got a lot of housework done and the kids even helped! I had one mopping the floor and the other taking out trash. Child labor is great. They need to learn how to keep a clean house, problem is, is that I am horrible at it. I think I have the opposite of OCD. I need things disorganized and chaotic. Makes things interesting. Ha ha! It's something that I am working on, I just need to find a balance....Story of my life.

Bring on the chocolates.

Hump day.

It is another Wednesday. This week is halfway done. Ok, yes, I am pointing out the obvious. Obviously. I am just so drained from work. I need a vacation or something. I need to do the things I talk about doing. Stop saying and start doing. This is one of my many things I would like to work on.

On a positive note, another beautiful day for the books. I don't know if our little city broke the record today but I think it is promising. We sure did yesterday. 66 degrees....Hell to the yeah! It is starting to feel more like spring. 

Wee bit backwards.

I know it seems like all I talk about is my love life in these posts. I think it is very much like a soap opera. I guess it is interesting for the most part. I go in and out of them a lot more recently and have exes that are coming out of the wood works to talk to me. I over exaggerated that last one, so sue me.

I seem to go through "breakups'' in reverse though. I feel free in the beginning, like a big weight has been lifted, or like I was color blind and now I am seeing color for the first time. I dance and sing and embrace myself. I relish in the fact that I answer to no one. I can sit on the couch all day long and have no one judge me. Oh wait, ha ha. Don't judge me, ok? Deal.

After a few weeks or possibly a month, that feeling slips. I start to feel alone, ten fold. I start listening to sad songs and whatnot. I need to reverse this way of dealing. Morn, accept, and move on! I know that I will be fine. No, I will be better. All these things that happen in life are there to teach me a lesson. This one was more about my self worth then anything. But, my friend was right! When I really and truly was fed up I let all of the frustrations out. I may not have acted with as much "class" as I would have liked, oh well. I said what I was honestly feeling and I can't, and won't apologize for that. No how, no way!! 

Love day!

Yes, today is the dreaded Valentines day. I hate it when I am single on V-day. Who doesn't enjoy being romanced with sweets and flowers. I personally think that it should happen regularly, not just cause' it's a "holiday" I think a lot of people hate it because it is a bold reminder that you are single. Well, that is just not nice.

However, despite the day, I was in good spirits. I have no reason to be bitter about the 14th. I love love. It is an amazing emotion. I like to focus on the people I love and how much they mean to me.

Anywho....I am excited to have tomorrow off. I hope to get a lot done. Cross your fingers....ha ha

Liquid Courage.

I am not sure if it was a good idea or not. I told him off last night, well kind of. I sent him a couple not so nice drunken texts. I feel kind of guilty about it but I am surrounded by high fives and such. I think I should just brush it off and take it for what it is. I don't think he will be trying to get a hold of me anytime soon.

Oh goodness well it is time for me to relax and catch up on some sleep. I also am going to indulge in some How I Met Your Mother season 5. Yeah! 

Dance your face off!

I think that is the plan for tonight. It is my weekend without my boys so why not. I just can't over indulge. I am excited because I love hanging out with my girl CW. She is such a positive, happy, bubbly person and I love it. We always have a good time and she loves to dance which makes her a great time.

It is so nice out compared to the last couple of weekends. I can smell the spring in the air. It excites me. I need to go out and take some pics. All I have taken pictures of is my feet and my apartment. I need some good photo opps.

Another one I suppose.

I know I already posted today but I feel like I owe ya another, non intoxicated one. I really am very tired and I don't know how amazing the content will be. I have been working a lot lately and I don't mind at all I just get tired.

I have plans to go out tomorrow night. I do and yet don't want to go. I love having fun with my ladies but it comes at a price the next day. I feel like I have a lot to do on Sunday.

Oh v-day is coming. BLECH. I think this "holiday" is either really horrible or really great. I don't like that. I just want to eat some Valentines chocolate. 

Realizations.

I came to some realizations tonight. If only I didn't drown them in alcohol. Why was I eating my feelings when I could of just drank them away. I need to just work them out. Cleanse the soul of everything bad. I have been letting things get to me when I know that they shouldn't.

I don't ever want to take anyone's happiness. I wish some people would just take time to realize.
I'm only one voice in a million, but you can't take that away!

On another note.....I feel so thankful. I love my family and the struggles that we have. I love my children so much it is scary. It really is a crazy thing to love someone more then yourself. I only wish my kids the happiness I had as a kid, times a million.They are so innocent and precious. I loved being a kid and I hope they want to be my babies forever. I honestly just aim to be like my mother, as much as we don't want to be.

This will be fun!!!!

stress relief

So I'm going to have some cocktails with a coworker....sorry post more later

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Retail therapy and awkwardness

I wish I would have saw this dude before I went on my shopping spree. Maybe it would have made me feel better about it. It was honestly the most awkward moment this year. I saw the guy that took me on my very first date. (this all happened when I was 24 and I was freshly single from the breakup with my kids' dad. I never went on dates before. The only time I went out with the kids' dad was with his parents or with the kids. So I think, technically the guy I saw today was the first man I have  went on a date with.)

Picture this, ok. I walked into get some takeout Chinese food. I was all by myself in my huge winter jacket. I didn't look my best but I didn't look a hot mess either. I had flat ironed my hair earlier in the day, and the fact is if it weren't for my hideous winter jacket, I woulda looked semi hot! I told the women at the counter that I wanted my food to go and she said ok. (The place where I was eating was a make your own stir fry type place) So, I moved my way to get my food and I saw him. I know he saw me. I made my way down to the bowls and saw that they were leaving so I tried my hardest to take my time. I felt like he wanted to say hi but he was with his wife, oh and their 3.... or 4 or 2 kids. I got my bowl and decided to make eye contact. He saw, I smiled and breathed a tiny hi. He smiled and said hi back. I felt so small, like I was such a sorry, sad person with my take out for one and my huge coat.

I reflected on my drive back home. I thought about our dates and the memories that I still keep of him. It took me a long time to get over him, and we were never serious. I have known him since high school. I only had one class with him but it was probably one of the few classes I went to. OH MAN I need to do something. I need to knock down and start rebuilding my foundation. I always seem to want what I can't have. I guess we all do that, right? We are always taught to aim for our dreams even if they seem unattainable. Where do you draw the line???

It's here!

Yes it is! I got it!! Yay!!! My new camera is here! Now what? I am having camera block. I want to go out and just take pictures of everything. I know that I won't because I usually need to get a feeling that I want to take a certain somethings picture. I am sure I will take something though, I do need to play with it a little and see all I can do with that. I am sure I will be learning about this camera for a long time.

It was like Christmas when I opened the package today. I got a pretty sweet deal from ebay. My camera came with a wide angle lens, a professional tri-pod, a camera bag, and a whole bunch of other goodies for it. I haven't played with everything yet. I tried the lenses on but wasn't really impressed with them. I think I just have to figure out exactly what they do. DAMN!!! I just want to get out there and take some pictures. It is about to get dark so I think I am a little out of luck for tonight. 

Tv night.

I am perfectly content sitting on the couch and watching tv tonight. It sound kind of lame but it is where I am happy for the moment. Maybe I will do some laundry or the dishes, who knows. I am crazy. I can do whatever I want. Oh happy day off!! So what if my outfit consists of rescue ranger pajamas and slippers. I think it's probably too cold to go anywhere anyways.

The moment.

I think I am a little depressed. I hate being sad but the stuperbowl really upset me. I guess that is just cause I love the Steelers so much. Ok, whatever, call me dramatic or a baby but oh well. Ha

I guess I just have to laugh it off an know that there can only be one winner. I gotta say the cliche thing to say though, there is always next year. I know, I know it is just football.

I am so ready to be off for the next two days. I have a lot of nothing to do and I am looking forward to it. I love me time and I hardly ever get tired of it. I sure do hope my new camera comes in the days that I am off. But, now I am off to get ready for work. Maybe once the depression wears off I will post more. LOL

Im a loser.

i lose and i know it. i am saddened. i am on my way to get some sympathy.....meh....oh well. I am good. I know that it is the fight in the dog that counts. We had you scared for a minute.

Girly girl.

I love being a women most of the time. Today was not really one of those days. It had nothing to do with cramps or anything like that. I have just never been a girly girl. I don't think anyone ever taught me how to put on makeup. My mom sort of did but she doesn't wear a lot of that crap so therefor neither do I. I do like to keep up with the trends at times, as long as its not like painting on a new face. I like subtle makeup. I hate mascara, but I lightly brush it on every now and then. I rarely buy concealer. I like it simple. A touch of eyeliner and a little eyeshadow.

Let me set you straight though. I can and more often then not, leave the house without any on at all. I do feel a touch more confidant when I am wearing at the least, eyeliner. Maybe someone can help me here. I want to do a smoky eye. I even went to the lengths of buying Covergirl Smoky Shadow Blast. I have got to say if my life depended on making a smoky eye, I would be done for. It just looked like I painted some lines on my face. I tried to blend it in but it just turned all one color. Maybe it is just not meant to be. I have bought other eye shadows in the past that have a little color by number thing for your eye, I still cant seem to get it right. Maybe there is something wrong with my hands. I also have looked at tutorials but I still can't seem to do it right. UGH! Please tell me that I am not failing at being a woman. 

Running late!

I hate the feeling when you wake up late. I hate being rushed to get ready and freaking out because you're going to be late for work. Yeah, that was the start of my day today. I hate that! Instead of my phone going off and telling me to wake up, it decides to die. Smart phones are not so smart when it comes to staying charged or saving battery. I should have just stuck to my regular alarm clock.

Work was busy and frustrating. I am so glad I don't work tomorrow. I think I say that every other Friday. Oh well. I love Friday, when I don't work the next day. It is my only day to sleep in. I think my sleeping in late today was my body telling me to get some more rest. All I want right now is some tunes and a ice cold beer. Sounds blissful to me!

HAPPY WEEKEND!

Hurry up spring

I am having a bad case of missing spring time. I just wish it would be here now! I am going to try something a little new here and post the top ten reasons why I like spring.

10. Easter time! Come on, who doesn't love biting the ears off a huge chocolate bunny.
9. Searching for the first Robin sighting. We use to have contests when I was younger to see who saw one 1st.
8. The days are a little bit longer.
7. Open windows. I love opening my windows and smelling the fresh spring air.
6. The chance of one last huge snow storm. We have had a spring snow storm every year since I can remember.
5. Green!!! Everything that turns green! It is like all the plants get a fresh start.
4. The possibility of wearing shorts and flip flops. Or at least just a light jacket. No hats and gloves and scarves.
3. Rainstorms!!!!!
2. The smell! This one goes along with 7 but I am going to count it because I love the smell of spring!
1. Flowers!!! I love taking pictures of flowers (duh!) I love the smell, oh the lilacs, oh Spring!


Ok Spring, I professed my love for you! Now come and visit me soon!!! 

One step forward

Then 2 steps back. That is how I feel right about now. I feel like a horrible person. I don't like it when people are upset with me or angry. I hate it even more when they ignore me. I know I am being hard on myself but I feel terrible for hurting this guys feelings. I'm just not that into him, and I know that he was genuinely a good guy but if it is meant to be it will be.

Some things you just can't force. Sometimes you just have to trust that things will work themselves out. I am trying my best to keep my faith. I think as I get older it is easier to just let things just work themselves out. I don't need the answer for everything.

"I run my life, or is it running me?
 run from my past, I run to fast, or to slow it seems''

Late start!

Yes it is so bitterly cold here that there was a 2 hr delay of school, same thing tomorrow. I have a small issue because the kids go to school at 9:50 and I work at 9:30. I guess I either get to be late, or something. I would much rather have 2ft of snow then this frigid weather. Last week it was fifty degrees on Wednesday!