New beginnings.

I have decided that this will probably be my last post on this blog. I need to make a new one for the new chapter that my life has begun. I am not going to be posting daily, cause we know how that turned out. I just need to think up a name that I like for my new blog. I like having a place to tell my story and sort out my thoughts. When I think of a title for my new blog I will post a link. 

Induction day!

So I am scheduled to be induced today! I am so tired, I just wish I had a day or two to catch up on some sleep. I have not been sleeping well these past few days. I could probably sleep now, but I have to be up at 4am and call labor and delivery. I am a little nervous but excited at the same time. I seemed to have went through a thousand emotions today. I cried because I realized that I was home by myself for the last time today. The boys were at school and I had time to myself. I won't be getting that for a while. I am just hoping, and praying that everything goes smoothly. I am feeling a little antsy. I suppose that is to be expected. I guess most of all is I am excited to see my little girls face. 

I'm 30 now!

It is official! I am a thirty year old woman. I don't feel any different. I feel large and pregnant! I suppose all this pregnancy stuff took my mind off of being another year older.

I have to say my birthday was a toughie. This whole week has been a trying one. I got bad news on my birthday that my children's babysitter passed away. It was so out of left field. It seemed to happen so fast. I was really emotional and still am a bit. She was an older lady (63) but I never thought she would pass. She has been a part of me and my kids' lives for about 5 years. I know a lot of her family because I was told about her through her sister in law, which is also my boss. I haven't told my children about her passing yet. I did tell them that she was sick. I don't want them to see me emotional. I remember the effect it had on me when I first saw my mom cry. But I know we will remember the good times about Patty. She sure had one hell of a personality.

Ok, enough of that. I don't really know if I am going to change to a different blog or not. I am still undecided about that. So I guess I will just post stuff here until I get a little more organized. This little one should be here in about a week or so. So much going on in my life. It's crazy to think where I was this time last year..... Wow what a difference a year makes. 

1 more day...

So today I will spend the last day of my 20's seeing my baby girls face on the ultrasound machine. I am happy for that, I am also a little sad. No big celebration planned for my birthday. I have a doctor's appointment that day, I just hope I don't have to give birth that day. I know that it may sound selfish but I don't want to share my birthday. I just don't want to be sad on my birthday. I know a pity party isn't the kind I need. I am not even sad to say goodbye to my twenties. I am ready to be in my 30's. I just wish I could go out and be carefree and not have all of the uncomfortable feelings and feeling like my baby could be here anytime. I don't know what I am going to do with the blog just yet. I kind of forgot about it....(sorry) I have been preoccupied with pregnancy. If you ever wanted to take your mind off of turning 30 just be massively pregnant during the time. I would like to say that I do want to continue to make posts. I love having the ability to just put down all my feelings and worries. I don't worry that anyone will judge me anymore. I like having worked towards that. 

Pre-labor is so much fun.

I just need to vent. I have a million and one things to complain about. My back hurts, I go to the bathroom constantly, I have these stupid contractions after working a couple of hours! I worked all day today and it sucked. I am constantly worried about going into labor at work. I just need a little rest. I can't wait to feel like my normal self again. I know I am having some fears about not knowing if I am in labor, but I am sure that I will. 

I've been taking it easy.

I had a long day of antenatal testing, and almost thought that they would be sending me to the hospital. I guess my little bun decided to behave and she got her heart rate right where it was suppose to be. I was still on the verge of freaking out, and still am a little. I think I am mostly just worried about working and not being able to rest when I need to. I should have gotten a doctors note. I expect to have a busy weekend with the Pow Wow in town. I just hope they don't give me any grief or I might have to freak out. I know I just need to sit back a relax, believe me I am trying. I got a lot of sleep today! I pretty much slept the day away. Oh well. I just hope work goes ok tomorrow.

I'm fixing my nest.

I think it has finally kicked in, my nesting that is. I just got done watching hoarders and it made me want to clean so bad. I actually had to pause the episode and do a sink full of dishes and throw a giant bag of clutter away. I organized my medicine cabinet and have been going through some of my things that I think I can throw away. Only question is now how am I going to get all of this out of my house. I guess one bag at a time will do. I worked until my hips started to ache. I have the next week without my sons and I hope to get a lot done. I know I will feel so much better once it gets done. I am just glad that it started to kick in. I don't want to have to worry about clutter when I have a newborn in the house. I just hope I can keep this up. I know I can.  

Another day...

Just another day in the life of me. I didn't do much of anything but hang with the kids and work. I am so ready for the weekend. I think I will try to get motivated, ha good luck with that one. Nothing new here to tell. Just another boring day. Same old stuff here.

What is this feeling.

I guess I am sick of feeling crappy. I guess you can blame mood swings for this, I now have this "dreamy" sort of feeling. Maybe it's the country music that makes me feel this way. I don't know if that is the right description of my feelings. I guess there is a thing about country music that gets to me.

Today was a decent day, besides my sleep catching up to me and being late to get the kids to school. I felt bad, but then again I didn't. I know that I am very pregnant and I need my rest. It doesn't happen often so I gave myself a little slack. I spent a nice day with the kids. It felt good to help them with their homework and let them play. We all ate some good supper together and then had some pudding for desert. It was nice. I didn't feel very well but I enjoyed the time. I am looking forward to working during the day tomorrow as well. 

All I can do is try.

I am feeling a little down. I don't know if its from lack of sleep, or what. I am just feeling so defeated and tired. I need some rest, like a weeks worth. It just seems like I am constantly needing to think about something. If its not about what needs to be done around the house, it's something I need to do with assistance. I always have to think about the food I put in my body. I have to think about money and where I spend it. I am always thinking about my 2 boys, and their school work. I constantly think about weather I am making the right choices as a parent. I think about my daughter's father. I think about why he doesn't think about me and our baby. I just need a break. But, the point is, all I can do is try. I just need to remind myself that no one is perfect. I WILL make mistakes, and I WILL learn from them. I just gotta give all my love and energy to my kids. 

Going to bed early...I hope

I'm fighting sleep by watching Dancing With The Stars. I should be laying down right now and trying to sleep. I have been so tired and so drained all day long. I really wanted to get some stuff done, well I did do a few things, but I really wanted to get super motivated. I guess it will come to me when it's meant to be. I just feel like there is so much to be done and so few days to do it all. I guess that comes with my position. I am not whining but it takes a lot of effort to move this body these days. I am ready to sleep this day off and try it again tomorrow. 

Geez I missed 5 days.

I've got to say that I haven't felt like posting lately. I don't know why, I just haven't been in the mood. I have been doing things and such and just haven't gotten the urge or feeling to write anything. I am feeling mighty prego these days. I know I don't need to hand out excuses because I need to do what I got to do. I just looked at when I posted last, and felt a little guilty.

I do have to say that I am absolutely in love with the new pictures of my baby girl. Yes, I am for sure having a girl. I printed off more then a dozen of the pictures my doc gave to me. She couldn't stop taking them! I was so amazing to see her face, I even got to see a tiny smile. I am so in love with my little one. I carry around my ultrasound pics to show off to anyone that will look. I just can't wait to see her. It's an amazing feeling. 

One More Month!!!

I can't believe that I only have one more month left in my 20's. I am going to have to go through all my posts and read them sometime. I want to see how much things have changed. I know a lot has changed in a year and I never thought that I would be expecting my 3 child a year ago. Without looking back at my first post, I know that it was a little alcohol infused. I know that is not the way it will end. Ha ha! Oh man, I am beat. My hair hurts, and I need some sleep.

Piss poor excuses.

This isn't just about me making excuses to why I haven't been posting every day. I think if you have read previous posts of mine you would know that I have legit reasons to missing days here and there. I have a lot going on right now and things to figure out. I need to stop making excuses for some things in my life. I need to find a job that is not only financially beneficial, but one that lets me spend time with my children. I know that I seem to be putting work ahead of them, and their education, but I just can't help but feel that rent money comes first. I can't just leave us with no place to live of our own. I am taking the steps that I can to live somewhere that is income based. I feel like once I have that set into place I won't feel like I can't ask for what I want. Maybe I just need a change.  

Watch this, watch that.

So today begins the first day of diabetic control. I have been meticulously counting carbohydrates and measuring portion sizes. It is really a lot easier then I thought it would be. I still get to eat really good foods, just not as much of it as I might want. I hope this all turns out well. I am really putting forth an effort here, so far. I just hope I can stick with it. A small road block is that I'm sick a little. I woke up with the worst sore throat. I think I got it under control with some good rest and some hot tea. I just need a little more rest. I'm off to get some rest.

38 more days.

It's hard to believe that there are only 38 days left of my 20's. I am ready to hit 30 and have my 20's behind me. I am ready for this new chapter in my life, and ready to give it my all. No more childish crap (yeah right) and now it is time to be a real "grown up!" I have high expectation for my 30's. The last ten years of my life have been about learning lessons. Now it is time to put what I know to use. The pressure is on.

I didn't quit.

I have been away for a few days because there was an issue with the cable company. Arg... But all is situated now. I guess they had a glitch in their payment system and now it is fixed. I hate cable companies.

Well well, my baby shower is tonight, in about an hour or so. I am about to get ready for it so this one will be short. I am not to fond of being the center of attention but tonight I will give it a try. 

Everything went well.

Today was my son's dental surgery. It went surprisingly smooth. I had a unexpected support system by my side, but it turned out to be nice. I was joined by my son's dad and his mother. I didn't expect them to come, but they did, and I was grateful. My boy did extremely well, and the surgery center was amazing with him, and with me. I was just so glad that I didn't break down and bawl my eyes out.

Happy Labor Day!! Now get to work.

Another long work day for me. Another Labor day full of work! I am tired and hungry now. I feel like going to bed already. I have a tough day ahead of me tomorrow. My oldest son has dental surgery tomorrow and I am already feeling really emotional about the whole thing. I know he will be fine, but a mom worries. I just hope I am not an emotional wreck tomorrow. I gotta be strong for my son. I have got to teach him to be brave. Everything will be ok...

Gone again.

These are getting farther between and that is not my intention at all. I can't really say I am surprised because I knew that there would be a lot going on in my life. I am just coasting right through and trying to do my best of all the situations that I am faced with. I figure if I put my kids and family first then I can't go wrong. I just want happy, healthy children. I think we all know how that feels.

I am so tired right now, a nap sounds good. I should do a couple of things before I lay down, but I don't wanna. I just want to nap. It is Sunday, it's my right to nap. I don't have any plans, as of yet, for Labor day. I just plan on working. Oh gee wiz I am tired. 

busy and crap

So I have already had a long week. I have been going through some stuff, nothing really major, but semi major. My oldest son has to have dental surgery next week, I found that out on Monday. I also found out that I have gestational diabetes. It was kind of a lot to take in, in two days. I have just been dealing with it. Neither things are really life threatening and I am more worried about my son going under anesthesia. I have never had to and I am a little freaked out by the fact. I guess I am just glad that he will have all the dental work needed done, done and over with. He doesn't seem scared at all. I guess I am just really emotional about it. I just hope I don't sit there and cry the whole time. I need to be the strong one but it seems like he is doing that for the both of us. Ugh...I really just don't want to think about it right now. That is why I have missed a few days. 

Riding the emo coaster.

I'll be honest, I haven't felt like posting the last couple of days. I guess out of pure laziness, or something. I seem to be riding an emotional roller coaster today. I was super bitchy at work today, and I think I got easily frustrated with my boys. I hate feeling guilty about getting strict with them but I don't want to be a pushover. I totally understand my parents pain when trying to get me back on a schedule for school. I just yelled at my son for the 5th time to get back to bed. I'm starting to get really emotional about things. I feel like I'm a bad mom when I yell at them, sometimes I just don't know what to do, which makes me feel even worse. I should know what to do because I am their mom. I sure hope this passes because I know I am a good mom. I may have a short temper, but I try to control it and talk sternly but not yelling, because I know I hate it when people yell at me. I think this is just the back to school schedule change. I am really not looking forward to waking up at 645 in the am. I know it will get easier. 

Stop! Family time.

I didn't post last night because I was fasting. I wanted to use up all my time making sure I ate enough before midnight. I also had a friend come over that I was helping out. She is just going through a tough time in life and needed a shoulder and a place to sleep.

Well, I am heading over to see some family that got into town today from Florida. I haven't seen them in a year and it will be nice to catch up. I don't think they have ever gotten the chance to see me this pregnant. That will be interesting. Either way I love my family and I am antsy to get over there so this will be cut short.
And.....cut.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited.

Here I sit, because I can't sleep. I made the chocolate cupcakes, like I planned, and the peanut butter frosting. I will need to tweak the frosting recipe because it is a little to sweet and not peanut buttery enough. It sure does taste good with a glass of milk though. I want another cupcake but I feel a little guilty if I have more then 2. I don't need all of the empty calories.

So I have been on an Adele fix for the last couple of days. I really like the emotions behind her music. I love her voice, and her look. I feel a connection with her music, which I suppose is what its all about. I feel like I get her, and vice-versa.

Ok, I am feeling a little tired right now. I suppose I should lay down and get some rest. I will need it I am sure. 

Slept 12 hours.

Yes I am guilty of sleeping forever yesterday. I just passed out and didn't wake up except to pee. I really needed it. I still felt a little tired but that's not too weird. Now I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I will finally get time to make chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter frosting. Oh yum!

I smell something.

I smell something sour. I don't know what, or where it is. I just know that I smell something funny. It almost smells like sour milk. Yuck! I need to find the source of said smell and dispose of it. I guess I should do some cleaning around this place. I am just lazy and I hate cleaning. I know everyone hates cleaning but I seriously hate it. I think I would trade my left leg if I knew it meant I never had to clean again. I would rather pay someone 15 bucks an hour to clean my house. I have even paid friends to do it for me before. I don't know why I hate it so much. I just hate it. End of story.

my mind is at ease

So I did my best detective work and found out some needed info. I won't go into detail but it has certainly put my mind at ease. It feels good even though I think I was worrying over nothing. I do that a lot. It is always nice to be a little bit informed and prepared.

Tomorrow is going to be a fun day. I just hope I can get motivated to drive an hour away. I'm going to an old co-workers wedding. If I don't make it there I would feel incredibly guilty. I am just not a fan of driving, but I know it will be ok. Custer isn't that far away, only 45 miles. I know she would love to see my kids and me. I gotta remember to get her a gift and a card in the morning. Lots to do. 

I've been bad.

I have a horribly long list of stuff to do this week. I wrote almost all of them down, and its 10 things to do before Thursday. I know that it is part of being a parent, but I would much rather do things for them then for myself. I just want enough time to do all of it, and on top of that, do my normal chores and take care of myself. Most of the things on my "to do" list was done on Monday. I was quite proud of what I got done even though it could have been more. I bought almost all of the things on the school supply list for my boys. I just have to fill out the registration form and get backpacks. I went in and did my glucose screen on Monday only to find out today that I have to do another one, and it involves me staying there for 3 hrs, and fasting beforehand. So, getting to the point, I know I have been neglecting my blog a bit but I am giving myself a little slack. I'm sorry to say but getting my stuff done on my list is more important. I still love ya though. :)

Maybe I'm being a Debby Downer.

I can't help but think about how some people are just a disappointment. Yes, some more then others, but some come as a surprise. Those are the worst kinds. I don't want to dwell on the negative, because I know that is not the answer. I just wish karma would slap these people right in the face. I know now to not give these people any of my energy, they don't deserve it. They will just continue to let you down. 

What's on the menu?

At 2 in the morning I am eating some biscuits and gravy. Yum yum. I think I might have to have seconds. I am still hungry. I hate deciding what to eat this late at night. I don't really want to make a whole lot of noise, cooking and such. I also hate it when I smell my neighbors cooking this late at night. I think last week they decided to have some sort of garlic fest over there.

So the insomnia continues into this morning. It was probably 5am yesterday when I finally got to sleep. I got stuck watching HIMYM (How I Met Your Mother) episodes. Now, I am stuck playing a new app on my phone. I am sure I will fall asleep sooner then I did the night before. I worked all day long today and then was a designated driver for some friends. It was a long day. I feel like I did some good.  

Insomnia is uncool.

It seems that I have my days and nights confused. I remember always doing this when I was younger. When your a kid and on summer vacation, there is no reason for a bed time. I have always been a night person. I just love the quiet and the cool air. It can get a little lonely and a little frustrating, knowing that you should be in bed, and that everyone else you know is. I know that it was caused by sleeping too much today. I just can't help it. I tried to eat a turkey sandwich, but that has failed. I would like to think that my brain works the best at night. I seem to figure out things that need to be done at these sleepless times. Now, I just need to put my thoughts into action during the day. If only I could wake up in time to get them done. Sometimes though, my thoughts get the best of me. I start thinking about things that I shouldn't worry about. I just try to tell myself that all will be ok. Its a lot easier said then done though, that's for sure.

My guess is that I probably won't be able to sleep for at least an hour or so. I should try to lie down. Who knows. 

midnight snack.

I think I am going to venture to the grocery store so I can make myself something yummy. I am so hungry and I have not the slightest idea of what I want. I also have no clean pots and pans, so I don't know what I am going to end up eating. I just know I need some food, some sort of nourishment. Shepard's pie sounds really good right now. Fried rice sounds good too. I just don't have the patients to cook and I DON'T want frozen food. All I know is I'm on a mission for some deliciousness. 

I am a party pooper.

I got invited to go to Throttle Fest at the Full Throttle Saloon, tonight. I opted to pass on that invite. I feel bad because I was complaining about not doing anything for the motorcycle rally. I just don't think I could handle a hot, and crazy crowd. I was going back and forth today about weather I should go or not, and decided not. Instead I did some grocery shopping and then took a nap. What a bundle of fun I am.

The Blah Feeling

I have nothing to say. I don't want to talk about anything in particular. Maybe I am stressed or something. I just think I want to keep to myself for a little. I am not the type of person that usually holds back what I am feeling. I am not scared to share. I just don't feel like talking about anything.

Rally time.

It is that time of year again, when all the bikers head into town for the Sturgis motorcycle rally! It can get crazy around here. I usually love going out the the Buffalo Chip Campground. I have seen concerts out there for years. Sadly, I won't be going this year. I just don't see the point, plus I don't have the funds. I love taking pictures of all  the people and the bands. I have got to say I got some great pictures last year of Kid Rock. I am a little sad when I listen to the radio and hear all of the live broadcasts from the chip. Oh well, I guess. 

Slept all day.

I slept so much today. I still feel tired. I am guessing that I won't be able to sleep tonight. I sure hope that is not the case. I feel a little tired now, but I am not sure if I could sleep or not. I keep getting kicked a whole bunch tonight. I don't think it would keep we awake though. 

I hate heartburn.

I've been sitting here for the past hour or so, suffering from heartburn. Oh I hate it. Blah, blah, blah, I know I am complaining but it down right sucks. How come, when there are millions of reasons to smile, and be happy, I think of the few reasons that do not? I guess its just hormones or something. I am usually a very very positive person. Oh but I am in dire need of a nap. I am actually thankful that I feel tired. I have been having trouble sleeping for a couple of weeks. It seems like I can survive on 4 or so hours of sleep. I guess I am just practicing. 

My town

So it seems that the town I live in is going through so many tragedy's These past weeks seem to have been filled with unexpected deaths. The first one came from a couple of teenage girls crawling on the roof of my middle school gym. They both fell through a skylight and one died from it. The second was a high school junior that slipped while cliff diving at the lake. I work with a lot of teenage girls and it broke my heart to see them lose a classmate. The third, and one that hits closest to home, was a local police officer was shot and killed after a routine traffic stop. This happened less then a mile from my home and place of work. It is so sad that these things have happened and it just reminds you that life is not something to be taken for granted. So it has a been a sad time for our town. I just hope it gets better.   

Time management.

I have come to realize over the years that I am not so great at managing my time. I have often been called flaky, and I hate admitting that. I think if you have read my post, and know that I have a hard time getting to them on time, then you kind of have a clue of that already. I don't know what my problem is. I just think I have all the time in the world, when I don't.

Already August!

I can't believe it is already August 1st. It seems like this summer has flown by. School starts on the 27th and that is not very far for sure. I am feeling in a rush to do fun things with the kids but I can't seem to find the energy, now that leaves me feeling guilty. I wanted to take them to the water slide park, but I can't go down the slides at all. I don't even know if my swimming suit fits me anymore. I still have time to do fun things with them. I just hope I can sum up the energy from somewhere. 

Sunday dinner.

I am about to go to my friends house for a bbq. We are trying to make this a every Sunday sort of thing. I am pumped. We are making kabobs and bunches of other stuff too!! Yay for summer time. I know I didn't post last night but I forgot, besides your getting use to that, right? I know I am flaking out sometimes. I feel guilty, but I just get so distracted. Dang it's hot out. 

I've lost my touch.

I feel like blogging was something that I use to be good at. I don't feel like I am fulfilling my blogging potential. I don't know what it is. Am I getting tired of it? Maybe just a little but my life is so full these days that it takes the back burner. I know I will get it back, or something. I just need some sort of muse, something creatively inspiring. 

Priorities.

Seems like my only priority these days is getting a lot of sleep. I feel bad because there is a ton of things I should have done, and need to be done, but haven't been getting done. Its my own fault I guess. I just need to pull my head out of my ass. I don't know what my issue is lately. I was suppose to go pay bills, and go to the dentist, and post a post on here. and get some laundry and some cleaning done. I have done none of that. I just hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass. I know I will get things done, I've just been a slow mover lately. I actually can't believe that I am posting this early. I am slightly proud of that. Baby steps. I know I will get things done in the end. I am just the queen of procrastination. 

Missed a day again...

I honestly didn't even care that I didn't post last night. I was so lazy last night. I took a nap at 9 at night. I knew I shouldn't have, but I was so tired all day. I am sure I slept too much. I only ate one meal yesterday, and then a thousand snacks. I am just too tired to even cook something. Today was better though and I am hoping tomorrow will be ok too. 

food food food

So I'm sitting at a friends house waiting for food. We are bbqing tons of food. I'm so hungry. I am so super excited bout this delicious food.

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Only a little motivation.

I had to peel myself off the couch today. I am so tired. I guess I am just resting on the days that I don't have off. I know I should, so why feel bad about it. I just feel so lazy. I am now trying to get some things done, it's just uncomfortable to bend over all the time. I feel like I need a skateboard to slide around on, or a go go gadget arm. I did finally have a cup of coffee to make me feel not so listless. It did work. I got up and vacuumed, so I am proud of that. 

Last Friday night.

I am just humming away to that Katy Perry song, Last Friday Night. I love that song. It just sticks in my head. My kids are even singing it, but adding their own words to it. That song reminds me of old times. It reminds me of when I use to have a social life. Ha....I know I will have one again. It just sucks sometimes not being able to go out and hang with friends.

My brain no work.

So I come home from work and I always seem to lose track of time. I have just hot air between my ears it seems. I can't seem to remember the simplest things. I forget my coworkers names, lose keys, and just plain forget things. Oh I hate pregnancy brain. Yes, that is what I am blaming it on. 

Mini Harry Potter marathon.

I got a little to distracted by the first 3 Harry Potter movies tonight. We just bought the second and third movie today and so I was forced into watching all 3. I have to admit that I like them. I know that I will have to watch them a few times to actually get them, but they suck you in. I am sure I will be buying all of the movies sooner or later. It is nice to watch an actual movie with my kids that isn't animated.

I am dreading the morning. I have to get up early and make a visit to the dentist...again. I will be glad when it is over with. I am not a morning person. I'm just glad that it's not so sweltering hot out anymore. I actually enjoyed the day, went to the park, and didn't sweat a bunch. Now I am enjoying the breeze in my house. Not pumped in cooled air from the A/C.

Maybe I will mood swing in your direction.

Today was a day of all moods for me. It started with a lost keys fiasco. That put me in a major pissy mood. I almost was in tears. Then to find out that the doctor isn't quite sure if I am having a girl or not!!! That just sent me into a tizzy. Come on now, you are suppose to be the experts. No one said anything about a maybe at the ultrasound. I hate to say I will be disappointed. That makes me feel guilty. This heat wave isn't helping either. It seems everyone at work had a severe case of PMS. Oh geez. I am just going to say I am having a girl anyway. So there.

Stick a fork in me...

Yeah, I am dying from all of the heat. I can't stand being hot. It doesn't help that the air conditioning went out at work today. I was dragging ass all day long. My only relief was sitting for a few minutes in the walk in cooler. I am so glad to be home to my air conditioned house. I had to leave it on all day. It is so nice, but I feel like I will need to turn it on again soon. I have only been home for 20 minutes!! My poor kids huddle in their blankets while I try to turn the house into the north pole. Oh well I have a lot of ice cold water and Popsicles that will keep me cold.  

I keep forgetting.

I seem to keep forgetting to post. I am not sure why I continue to forget. I guess it's just brain fogginess. Well, in my defense, I have a lot going on. But I surely don't have to tell you that. You should know by now. I can't really think of a whole lot to talk about. I am so tired, and bed is looking like it will be in my near future. goodnight!

Late night barbecue.

Yeah I am about to go to a friends house and eat some late night bbq!! I am so hungry and in need of getting out of the house to hang out with some adults. It should be a good time. Do I take my camera? Do I leave it home. Oh heck, I will take it. You never know.

Summer weather is here.

It sure was a hot day today. The kind of day where I have to leave the air on all day long, even though I was at work. Now it is nice and cool in here and it feels great. This weekend is suppose to be a scorcher. I just wish I had the kids so we could go to the lake. Maybe we can make it to the lake next weekend. I just don't know if the water will be to cold to swim in or not. It sure is summer time here.

Out to eat again.

So again I went to Perkins to eat some yummy food. This time I went with my mommy. It was nice to spend time with her. We usually see each other a couple times a week but she is leaving to see my Grandma this weekend. I had some french toast and we visited about family and such. It was a good night.

Don't wait up.

I'm off to Perkins for a bite to eat with some friends. I didn't want to miss another post like last night. Don't want ya'all to worry. I figured I would probably be home late so I just wanted to post a little something so you know I am still alive.

Nice long nap.

So, I came home from work today so tired. The kids are with their dad so I decided to take advantage of that and took a nice long nap. It was so nice. I still feel tired, and like I missed something, but it was much needed. I have a long week of work ahead of me this week. I know the money will be nice, hell, the money will be awesome. I just am in need of some vacation time!  I guess I am just in one of those moods where my mind and body is just so exhausted. I don't wanna cook, or clean, or even get up to pee. Ha!  I guess I better just get to bed early tonight and hopefully sleep it of...

OMG I have a beeping toy that is going to drive me crazy. I don't know what it is, or where its coming from. I might have to tear the whole corner of the house apart!!!!

Who needs TV?

I sure don't need TV when I can watch my belly move. I noticed it last night and was so excited. I feel like its a new trick I can do. Ha! This little girl has been kicking me all day and night long. I can tell she is getting stronger and bigger everyday. I can't wait to share this with someone. I love the feeling so much. I must cherish it because I am fairly sure this will be my last. Well I hate to make this one short but I am in dire need of going to the grocery store. I also have to wake up early in the morning to work. Fun fun fun.

I love iced tea.

I can't seem to get enough of it! I need to make some of my own iced tea. I have probably bought a bottle of it everyday. It is just the best summertime drink ever. Well, besides a good pina colada. I am in need of a good day at the lake. I would love to just sit and watch the kids play in the sand and take in some vitamin D, with a big glass of iced tea, of course.

Tired, exhausted, medicated.

So I'm kick myself because I didn't find the time to get my tooth fixed after having it looked at. Stupid me! Yeah, now I am in a bit of pain again and back on antibiotics. I pretty much had to claw and scratch to get some penicillin again. I didn't even ask for a pain killer, which they gave me anyways. I hate the Tylenol they gave me. I know, its the most effective and safe for me to take, but It makes me so tired. I guess I should have waited until bed time to take it. Hell, right now could be bed time! Oh I can't wait to hit the pillow tonight. I feel like I will get some well deserved Z's. Or I will end up sleeping in my plate of spaghetti. The night has so many possibilities!!  

4th of July pictures.

I think I need a little more practice. I took about 200 or so pictures. These ones are my favorites. I guess fireworks are hard to take pictures of. Most of them didn't turn out as sharp as I wanted them to. I guess I need to learn more about the shutter speed setting. I played with the shutter speed the most. I defiantly didn't like the way the pics turned out in the auto setting. Well, it's a learning experience.

Sorry I didn't post yesterday.

Yesterday was full of fireworks and bbq's and fun. I had to work most of the day, but after that it was all about setting things on fire. I went to the park behind my apartments and we had a great view. We sat on the hillside and had some good food with some of my old friends. It was great. I have two firework loving boys, that's for sure. They did their fair share of smoke bombs and sparklers. Lucas even got to light a few big ones! Hes was so excited. I ended the night by visiting my old best friend and chatting the night away. I didn't end up getting home until really late. Then we slept in today. All in all I would say it was a great independence day. Hooray for explosives and freedom!

on my way

So I'm on my way home from my mothers house. I didn't realize it was that late. I didn't want to be late yet again. Tonight we had a good bbq and some fun with my sons. Tomorrow should be fun with the big fireworks display. Too bad I gotta work most of the day.

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Trying to clean...again.

I fail so badly at cleaning my house lately. I just don't seem to get anything done. I suppose I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I do work full time, sometimes more. I really do work my ass off, so who cares that my house is cluttered with school papers and toys and clothes. I don't have a washer and dryer, so that is a big reason most of my clothes are dirty. I just need to stop making excuses and just do stuff. Oh man if it were only that easy. 

Forever in Walmart.

OMG It took 2 hours to get 11 things at Walmart tonight. It is completely ridiculous there. There was millions of lanes open and each one was packed with people. I am so glad I don't work there. I should have done things differently in there but oh well. I am so very very tired now. I know that I say that all the time, but shit, I am beat. I think I need a vacation. I just wish I could afford it. I need to learn how to save. 

Nothing new to tell.

Today was just a normal day. Got out of bed. Went to work. Came home from work. I am tired. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary, but I am still exhausted. I think its going to be an early night for me. I just wanna lay down. 

Hot hot hot.

Today was so stinking hot. I stayed indoors as much as I could. I think I would have melted. I have no air conditioning in my car so long rides are not so much fun, plus the sun hates me. I hate having a sunburn and I usually do a good job avoiding them. I think I need to stock up on the sunblock though. All the sunscreen I have is from last year. I was very content inside with the A/C on high. I did end up feeling a little cabin fever and tried to go out and take some pictures. My favorite park didn't have any of their flowers in bloom. I turned around and got ice cream instead. Oh well.

Spotlighting was fun. I didn't get to see much wildlife but I did spot an owl, which was cool. The only other thing we saw was a deer. I do want to try again. I just love the smell of the pine trees and the quiet cool air. It was perfect weather. I hope to go again soon. 

Spotlighting.

I guess I am going spotlighting tonight? I don't really know what it is all about except spotlighting animals in the wilderness? I guess that's what it is. I am just basically going along for the ride. It is a nice way to get out of the house and into nature. I hope its a good time. I just don't want to have to pee outside because my bladder can't hold a lot lately. That would suck. I am ready for some fresh air and peace and quiet. 

Beautiful day to do nothing.

Today was the first in a long time that it hasn't rained. I didn't care at all. I planned on doing nothing today. I did end up going to the store for some spaghetti supplies, but other then that, nothing. I just cranked on the faithful a/c and made some spaghetti, which I have been craving for a week. I didn't really want fresh spaghetti, I want leftover spaghetti. I guess I will get that for lunch tomorrow!! I feel like my world revolves around food lately. Oh well, I know how to lose the weight.

Lazy song kind of day.

Today I don't feel like doing any thing. Do da do do da do. That is how I felt all day long. I was physically at work, but not mentally. I just didn't want to do a damn thing today. Now all I want to do is sleep but I am fighting it for some reason. Oh well I gotta give in sometime. 

Another hail storm.

The weather here is a freaky thing. It has hailed bad 2 days in a row. I think yesterday's storm was much worse. It busted out windows on the south side of town. I saw a picture of one of the hail stones and it fit in the palm of a mans hand. It looked like a golf ball. Today, I was home for this storm. I thought tree branches were hitting the apartment, but it was hail. I think they were about the size of a marble but it is hard to tell after they hit so many things on the way down. The one thing I love about living in this apartment is that I feel safe. I was not the only one without power for a minute. Everyone rallies by the door to watch the storm. There is 32 different families living in this building. It may be annoying at times but I feel safe. Even though this is the "bad" side of town. But hey, if I scream I can be sure someone will hear me. 

It's a......

Girl!!! It's offical I am having a little girl. I am so excited. I can't even believe it. A daughter. I have never had one of those. A little mini me! Crazy to think about. Now I just have to think about a name for this little one. Buying clothes and stuff will be so much fun. I am not sure how different girl babies are from boys, but I guess I will find out. Now my family will be complete. Two big brothers and one little princess. I can't wait to put her in dresses and comb her hair ( although if she is anything like me she will hate having her hair brushed)  Teach her how to be a little lady. I would have loved another little boy but I think I have always wanted a little girl. I was looking at so many boy names that I haven't decided on what girl names I really like. There is one but my mom doesn't really like it. I might just say, oh well and name her that anyways. I think I want to keep the name a secret once I decide. I like that idea. I'm just so excited. I think I was in shock for a while but it is starting to settle in. I think finding out it is a girl has made this easier on me. I don't mean to sound like I didn't want a boy, but I have 2 already. I am really excited to see how the boys are with their sister. It will be interesting.

Perfect night.

Oh tonight is just the perfect night to sit on the porch and have a nice cold one. Too bad I can't have a cold one and I don't have a porch! Ha, oh well I am enjoying it for sure! I had a very nice time tonight at Summer Nights downtown. It was just the perfect weather and we all had a lot of fun. I got some good pictures and will post them soon if I can get my card reader to work. 

I have a 6 year old.

So my youngest son turned 6 today. I can't believe it. It seems like yesterday that he was just a toddler. The time sure does fly by. I am excited to celebrate his birthday this weekend. Hopefully it will be nice out so we can bbq.  We had a delicious pancake brunch this morning for him but unfortunately I had to work today. It was my 6th day straight of working. I am tired.  

I'm back baby doll!

Oh yeah. I have internet service!! It is so much nicer to type my words on an actual keyboard. My big fat fingers had a hard time with my tiny keyboard on my cell phone. Oh it feels nice to be connected to the world again. I'm loving it. I think I have had too much time away from my computer because my fingers already hurt. Oh well. I will get use to it, I guess. Oh yeah, happy first day of summer!!!!

I have the best Dad!

So I failed to post yesterday. I suppose that is becoming the norm these days but I will be back in full force soon, hopefully by tomorrow. No more Blogger Droid posts. I'm getting my internet back. Hooray!

Father's day was a good one for me, a little emotional, but what day isn't. I talked to my awesome dad and he helped me put some things into perspective. I love him and miss him so much and I think the distance between us makes me appreciate him more. He just knows what to say to make me feel loved and feel better about stuff in general. I'm so thankful to have him in my life. Love ya dad!

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Sad songs.

I'm sitting at home and listening to my supply of sad songs. I'm just not quite sure how to think about things. I'm mostly feeling anger. I have never hated someone more. I. Never have wished harm on anyone but I think I'm getting close, that makes me feel horrible. I wish I could just wash the memory of him out of my head. I know I'm better off without his poisonous soul in my life. It doesn't change how I feel. I know that he is missing out on knowing his child and knowing its love. Still no relief. I think it will just take time and a less hormonal me.

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Blocked

Oh man, oh man. I had a crazy, Maury Povitch kind of night. I will have to post more on this topic when I get my internet set up at home. But wow, just wow. I found out today that the amazing sperm donor of my unborn child blocked me from Facebook. I have been givin what I like to call, a Facebook restraining order. Cool huh? Yeah, awesome. I officially have been blocked. I feel like a stalker. I saw him tonight at the softball field. It made me feel sick. I also had the pleasure of sitting right next to his youngest children's mother. Holy crap! I should have my own reality show...gee wiz.

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In Walmart

So I'm at the awesome Walmart right now. I'm getting a few thongs and I remembered I forgot to post something. I will get my computer up and running and get better,I promise.

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Love to eat

I just love me some food. I feel a little out of control but I know that's just a pregnant thing. I could eat all day long. I wake up starving! Well I don't really have much else to say. See ya tomorrow.

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So.....

Ha, I'm late again. I need to time manage better. In my defence, I got home like an hour ago. I went out for a late night bite to eat with some friends. It was nice. It took my mind off the stresses of life for a minute.

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Drink more water.

I gotta remind myself is this everyday. I have a headache and I think its because I need more water.

Today was a bitter sweet kind is day. I spent all day with the bestie. TidY is her last day in town. We had a good time and went shopping, bit while shopping we find out our friend got into a serious car accident. This is the girl I just hung out with last night. She drove me to and from the bbq yesterday. I just gotta say a bunch of prayers for her. She is the sweetest girl ever and would give you the shirt of her back, even if you were a complete stranger. We need more people like that in this world.

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Bff bbq

So I have a good excuse. My absolute best friend is in town and we had a bbq. We had so much food and so much fun. They are starting to feel more like family. Like we will talk about these times years to come and reminise. I love them all so much. I just wish we could all get together more often. Great food and great friends. I really needed that.

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Roasting

I'm so hot right now. It's getting hard to think. I wish I had a fan in this place. I have ac but its not the same. I need to invest in a fan. So hot. Blah

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I'm ready...today.

I keep seeing babies everywhere. I guess I'm getting myself pumped up for another little one. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days where o don't know how I'm going to survive. Those days are getting fewer and fewer. I feel like I can do it, and all by myself. I don't know how much help I'm going to get but if I expect none then I can't be disappointed. I really want to see what my little one is going to look like and I want to know the gender. Soon enough I will know. I just gotta enjoy this process.

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I'm ready...today.

I keep seeing babies everywhere. I guess I'm getting myself pumped up for another little one. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days where o don't know how I'm going to survive. Those days are getting fewer and fewer. I feel like I can do it, and all by myself. I don't know how much help I'm going to get but if I expect none then I can't be disappointed. I really want to see what my little one is going to look like and I want to know the gender. Soon enough I will know. I just gotta enjoy this process.

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Too tired.

I have a small break from my children tonight and I was hoping to get some things done but I can't find the motivation. I just wanna sit here and relax. I know I should just suck it up and get the stuff done that needs to be done. Oh well, hopefully I will get at least one or two things done. Arg, I just can't find the energy.

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Feeling better.

My tooth is feeling so much better. The pain medicine helps too, although I'm not a huge fan of taking pills. I think another thing that helps is knowing my best friend will be here in a few days. I'm so excited to see her! I haven't seen her in almost a year. She only lives 7 hrs away but its hard for both of us to get time off work and my car is not very reliable for a long road trip. Needless to say I'm super excited.

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Mixed feelings.

I was so terribly upset yesterday along with tooth pain. It was sort of a rough day for me I was trying to take care of my dental issue and it seemed like nobody was willing to help me with it. I found out that I make too much money for my insurance to cover it. That upset me immensely. I don't feel like I make very much money, but I do put in a lot of time into my job. So they basically are telling me to work less or get a lower paying job and we will help. That is the wrong message that should be sent. I was always taught the harder we work for something the more we will get. That's how the system should work. Don't punish me for my hard work.

Well, either way I got it taken care of. Seems like nothing comes easy for me these days. It's just so frustrating sometimes.

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toothache

I'm in agony. Sorry can't post

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Tangled.

I'm just sitting here with my boys, relaxing and watching Tangled. It's so nice here. I taught my son how to eat cherries and he is loving them. I just love this family time. I'm gonna soak it up.

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Circus peanuts.

I had to get my hands on some circus peanuts tonight. I needed them. I have yet to open the big bag I bought but I will, soon. I'm just so hungry of course. My cravings drive my body. Ha, I sound like such a fat girl.

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Thank you notes.

Yesterday I bought Thank You notes,by Jimmy Fallon. I gotta say I enjoyed it very much. It made me laugh so hard. I love comedy and its nice to be able to laugh about little things. Now I'm just waiting to watch Jimmy on tv. What a fun Friday.

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Great day!

So today was pretty great. It was a hot one for sure! I think it was in the 90's!! Maybe not such a great time to clean out my car but it got done. I do love cleaning my car for some reason. I even had the carpets scrubbed. Then I took a nice walk in the park with my mother. It was such a beautiful day. I hope I can have many more of these this summer.

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sitting around the fire.

So I'm actually being social tonight. Just chilling with some friends. It's fun. I'm glad I pulled myself off the couch and hung out with the living. I needed to get out of the house and meet new people. I was just feeling too much like a home body. That is why this post is so late.

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2 days off.

I'm so excited to have the next two days off. The only sick thing is that I know that they will go by too fast. I'm going to try to get my internet up and running. I'm sick of using this tiny key pad on my phone to do these posts. I'm so tired so I'm going to het a head start on sleeping in tomorrow.

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words

I'm sitting here listening to music. I'm really jamming out, putting on my shades and dancing in front it the mirror. I like what I see when I look in the mirror. I'm really starting to see myself. Who knows maybe I do have a glow, but I think its more then that. I love the way I think. I love my passion and my heart. I feel lucky and special to say this because I know a lot of women can't. I know that I'm pretty awesome, it just tends to get clouded in there sometimes. I gotta see the awesomeness more often.

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It's raining, it's pouring.

Just a cold, rainy, blah sort of day. I just want to take a hot bath and cuddle up. I need to do laundry but I'm so extremely exhausted. My mind is just a blank right now. I feel like I have a lot to say but no energy to think of words. I need sleep.

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one minute

I only have one minute. It's been a busy day. Ahh sure felt nice to not work. Watching movies and enjoying some time with the kids.

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Another 9hr day.

I really feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm so sick of my job, it makes me wanna cry. I had to hold back my tears and remember that this is not the only job in the world. It is not the end all, be all of jobs. I have the ability to find another one. I have good job skills and I can be a hard worker. I'm feeling like I could care less about the place I work at. I sacrifice so much but get so little.

I have a lot of good in my life to focus on. It's time to think of that and not stress about things.

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Worst mom ever.

I feel horrible. I missed my sons kindergarten graduation. I never for anything telling me about it. I still feel incredibly guilty. He was so sweet about it and said it was ok and that he still loved me. I almost cried. I asked him if I was the worst mom ever. He sweetly said I wasnt. I took him to Toys R Us to make up for it. I don't know if that was the right thing to do but he did have a good report card also. God I feel bad still.

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Weird to think about.

I was just thinking about how much time has gone by since I started this blog. Every this is so different yet not. I don't think that I would have thought things would be the way they are. I'm sure the next part will be just as surprising. I always finding myself wanting to know the outcome, I just need to appreciate the journey for once. I want to cherish this time no matter how bleak it seems at times. I still have a lot to learn and look forward to.

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Hines Ward wins DWTS!

Horray, he did it! I am so proud. I can honestly say that my votes were out to good use. Hines was such a pleasure to watch every Monday. His dancing brightened my days. I know, its a little pathetic, but I'm so proud. I just had to boast a little about it.

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Always late but worth the wait.

I have had all day off today, yet here I am still posting this with minutes to spare. Things are better today. My heat gauge likes to play tricks on me. Today my engine was getting up thrrr, then it went down a little and stayed that way. I just shook my finger at it. My car must be a woman! Ha ha. Well if you can't laugh at yourself, who can ya laugh at?

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Chicken Alfredo

Tonight was nice. I had some delicious Chicken Alfredo with my mother and my kids. It was nice to have people to sit down and eat with.

So I have a bit of a dilemma with ky car. I still think there is something wrong with it. I was driving home from my mom's house and by the time I got home it was almost on the yellow of the thermostat. I am just going to drive it for now, but I'm worried it is going to cost me more money to fix it yet again. I know I need to not worry. I don't need to stress. Maybe I should just pray.

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SuperWoman!

I am wearing my superman t-shirt,which makes me feel super! Ha, more like super prego. Funny thing is I feel like a super hero when I'm with child. It fits my mood today because I've gotten a lot done. Now I still have a lot to do but I'm concentrating on what has been done. Mmm, I smell my blueberry muffins! I've also baked! I'm not sure how much more will get done tonight. If I want to relax, I will. No pressure.

I'm off to continue being super. Now if only I had some super power (besides the ability to make a person inside me)

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workaholic.

I am exhausted. I put in 9 hours at work. I knew it was going to be a long day from the get go. Tomorrow will be a long day also, I'm so not looking forward to it. The only thing I'm looking forward to is the people I work with.

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Parking lot post.

Yeah, I'm sitting in my parking lot and I just noticed the time. I just got here and I'm ready to sit down and relax. Sorry this is so short. Gotta do what I gotta do.

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Going to bed early.

I haven't been awake for very long today but I already feel ready for bed. I'm kind of in a mood. I don't want to see anyone or go anywhere and I hate that. I an feeling a bit uncomfortable because I chipped a tooth today, even though its not very noticeable I am feeling very self conscious about it. I know it should be an easy fix and I am fully covered under my insurance plan, but I continue to stress about it and I'm trying to stop. I don't really know how to stop stressing so much. I guess I'm just thinking a little rest will help. I sure hope so.

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Sitting in the rain.

There is a nice rain falling tonight. It's not cold out, just cool and the rain is light. It is nice feeling it on my skin. I love the way it makes the earth smell. I love the sound it makes on the roof of my car. I will just sit here and enjoy this sweet little spring rain for a moment.

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sick day

Yes, I'm taking a sick day I feel like crap and I just want to rest. I haven't felt like this in a while, but it sucks.

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T-bone steak

I just cooked myself a delicious t-bone steak and corn on the cob. It was so yummy! I ate all of it and now I wanna sleep. I'm proud of myself because I didn't resort to getting fast food, which I usually do. I am a decent cook most of the time. It's just hard to decide what to cook when I'm really hungry. No one wants too cook when their exhausted. Now its time for me to get some beauty sleep.

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A lot on my mind.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. I even went old school and wrote some things down on paper. I wrote about two pages before I stopped. It felt nice to have a creative rush. I felt that if I didn't write these thoughts down they would be easily brushed aside. I should probably start carring around a pen and a note pad with me. I will most likely turn those notes into copy posts in the next few days. Hey, its not cheating, just being more organized and prepared. It's not like I planned it. I just had to get it out and put it somewhere.

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Another day bites the dust.

So, last night I attempted posting but failed because Blogger was down. I don't know how long it was down for but I know its working now! Well I missed another day. I'm a little disappointed but life goes on I suppose.

Tomorrow is my sons birthday party. I think it might get moved indoors though. The weather is not going to cooperate with us. Oh well, I guess we will go to the arcade/pizza place. It will still be lots of fun.

The computer is still on the fritz. I tried fixing it myself but failed. Guess it will go to the computer doctor on Monday. Now its time for me to go to bed!

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Again, really?

Well its another late posting night for me. I need to schedule it better. I don't even feel like I've gotten anything done today. Yeah, my car is fix and that is awesome! Just one little wrinkle ironed out. Now my computer needs to get fixed. I am pretty sure that I can do it on my own, I just don't want to lose all of my information, pictures, and important stuff. Well, maybe I can get stuff done tonight, or a steak made, at least.

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crap don't hate me

I'm late. I officially missed a day. Well crap. I don't need to stress about it. I got enough to stress about. My car is spending the night at the car doctor. I hope everything will be ok. I guess I will see tomorrow...

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wall post.

My stomach dropped today when I saw my ex posted something on my Facebook wall. It was only one of those stupid app things, but still. I don't know what to think, but I think its pretty sad that you have time to do some stupid game on Facebook but you can't actually contact me when I need to talk about somethin super important. I don't know what is going to happen with him.

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Extra special Mother's day!

Today is Mother's day! Not only that, but it is also my oldest sons 8th birthday! So today is extra special! I made him/my mom a cake, wrapped his present, and got my mom a dozen roses. I wish I could have done more but I know its the thought that counts.

Well it was a very very nice day. The weather was perfect and so was everything else. I spent a lot of time putting together lego things. I ate some cake and had some pizza. Another birthday for the books... this momma is exhausted!

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Talking things through.

It's good to talk things through. It's getting to be tough. I like to feel like I'm in control of things, even when I'm not. I'm not sure if this venting is making me feel better, or worse. I guess it is what it is. I'm getting excited about Mother's day. It is also my sons birthday, which is cool. I just want the day to be super special for him.

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Broken stuff

So my computer decided to take a crap on me. This comes at a great time because my car is also acting up. So, I hope I can get this posting thing to work via smart phone. Oh goodness, I need more problems like I need a whole in the head. Maybe I can finally get some stuff done around here. I just hope I can save the important things on my computer. It is 6 years old so I guess its not really surprising that it is breaking. I need some good luck or karma thrown my way.

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Whatever.

I had high hopes for today. It was going to be so awesome. I was going to go to the park and take some pictures. I was going to just enjoy the day to myself and get somethings done. Nope, none of that happened. My camera battery was dead when I got to the park so I just went home. On my way to go pay some bills my car started to overheat. That was just great. Now I have a million things more that I have to worry about. Like I didn't have enough on my plate to begin with. Geez can a girl catch any sort of break around here. Now I hope my car doesn't need some serious work. Oh goodness. I guess I will just take it as it comes. 

Hating hate.

I hate it when I feel hatred towards someone else. I feel like this feeling is just poisoning my soul. I pray sometimes to come from a place of love and forgiveness. It just get too hard. It takes over and makes me confrontational and irrational. I know that my hatred is for a reason. I think they made me hate them. Their actions caused this. Now, how do I love something that is half of what I hate? That is my burning question right now. I just have to have faith in karma. That is one thing that brings me a little smidgen of peace. 

Pizza Time.

I made the most amazing looking pizza. I just had to have pizza even though it is midnight. I guess my cravings are kicking in. I don't want all of these post to surround my pregnancy but it is the main thing that I have going on in my life right now and I think it will be nice to look back on this and remember how I felt. I can barely even remember what it was like with my other children.

Wow I better get to posting this one. I am running a little bit late, its been like that all day for me. I am just ready for another day off. I need a vacation. 

Baby brain.

I can't think. I cant remember little stupid things. I feel like a cloud is in my brain. I can't even think of people's names, and these are people that I see almost everyday. I hear that it gets worse. I am not looking forward to that for sure.

I'm just going to sit back and relax, maybe bake some brownies. I hope I don't forget to take them out of the oven. I think the craving is too concerned and will kick in over the part in my brain that forgets things. I have been wanting some brownies for the last few days and now I get to make them!! Time to get started.

Historic Day.

I am watching the news right now. At first I was upset that what I was watching got interrupted but it comes with amazing news. Osama Bin Laden is dead! Thank god! This day will go down in history!!! You never think that you would be celebrating the death of anyone but I think this is amazing. I just hope that it helps bring back some of our loved ones that are overseas. I also hope this is the turning point for some peace in our country and in the whole world. This ends an era! We will never forget 9-11 and now we will never forget this day, our day of redemption. Finally I hope we can feel some peace. I think the is a cause to celebrate!

Baby Picture

Now I am having a debate with myself weather or not to share this on my blog or not. I have tried to not filter or hold back on these posts but it gets hard. I figure I shouldn't hold back, hence the word "diary" There is probably only one person that I don't want to see this but that is neither here nor there. I just think he doesn't deserve to see it with the way he has been acting. But if I learned anything from the royal wedding its don't repay evil with evil.

I had my first doctor's appointment on Friday morning and I got this picture. No news yet on weather it is a boy or a girl but it is nice to know that there is only one and it is healthy. My doctor went on to say that I have a very photogenic baby (takes after me already) I am starting to get more excited and less of the negative stuff. 

I hate to admit.

I am so guilty. I shouldn't have done it. It can't be undone now. I think I will remember it though, cause it was historic. I totally watched the Royal Wedding. I hadn't planned on it but my insomnia forced me to watch it. Yes, I was up at 4am to watch Prince William get hitcherooed. I had to wake up at 7am that morning, but I still watched anyway. I didn't watch all of it though, I fell asleep during the choir singing. So all in all I got a whopping 3 hours of sleep and I am beat. It was a beautiful wedding to watch and I might not be very glad now, I know I will be later when I can say, "Hey I watched that!" 

Don't worry, be happy.

I know this is a little bit lazy of me to just post a video, so I am going to put a little something too. I won't worry about it. I choose to be happy and I think we could all learn from this song. I loved it when I was younger. I think it forces a smile on everyones face. 

Satisfied for now.

I fulfilled my craving, just in case any of you were wondering. I didn't get exactly what I wanted but I got close enough. I'm really having a blogger's block tonight. I don't know what to say. I don't want to just sit here and babble about nothing. This brain fog of mine is frustrating.

I didn't get as much done today as I wanted. I had high hopes that I would clean my whole house today. Ha, that was biting off way more then I can chew. Baby steps, I just have to take baby steps.

All I want.

I just want some hot wings! I saw someone eating them on tv, now I can't get them out of my head. I keep thinking about the fastest way to get some. I don't want the crappy kind either. I want high quality chicken wings. I want the kind from Hooter's or Buffalo Wild Wings, even though I have never been there. I wonder what time they open. We don't have a Hooter's around here so I would have to settle for Buffalo Wild Wings, or a few of the other wing places around here. Maybe I should just buy the stuff to make Hooter's wings. I have made them before so I know what's what. I don't know how I will get my hands on them but trust me it will get done!!! I will have to settle on something different to eat for now. Sad.

I don't wanna.

I don't wanna do anything! I don't even want to sit at the computer. I don't wanna pick up all the toys in the living room, so maybe I will just do it tomorrow. I don't want to do the laundry. I don't wanna get a drink but I will have to cause I am thirsty. I don't wanna turn the light off. I guess you could say I have a case of the lazies. I don't want to do anything. I have a boarder line headache and I just wanna sleep it off. I don't know how to shake this feeling. I guess just some rest should do. Alright I'm going to try that.

Happy Easter!!

Well today was fun-filled for sure! So much fun! The kids have Easter candy up to their heads. We dyed eggs today and hunted them too! I spent some quality time with the family and it went well. We all had a lot of fun. I did take some good pictures and I will upload them when I get home. I am still at my mother's house and I just thought I would post a little something just in case I was late getting home. I am so so so glad that I don't work tomorrow. I just wish my time off didn't go so fast. Ok, more to come later, I promise. 

Basket case.

I do believe that I have out done myself this year. I made baskets for all of my family that I will be seeing tomorrow. I tried to add a little something special for each person. Its nothing too big, but its the little things that count right? I am so happy that I have the next two days off!! The kids will be so excited! I will let them camp out in the living room tomorrow night and they love doing that.

I gotta get to doing things tonight, but I just wanted to say that I got some much needed comfort tonight. It feels so nice, but it makes me very emotional. I am sick of crying. I just want to enjoy the happy stuff and let it make me smile, not cry.

Ok, concentrate on the yummy food smells that are coming from my kitchen. I am making some sausage and potatoes. De-lish! I hope everyone has a GREAT EASTER!! I will surely take some pictures tomorrow and maybe post a few. Time to get hopping.....

Oh and BTW never try to buy a ham the day before Easter. They will be all out of the good ones.

Okay Friday.

Happy Good Friday ya'll! I hope it was "good" to you. Mine was just ok. I did get to see my Grandma and my Uncle which was nice. I still have a lot of Easter basket doings to do. I still have a ham to buy and eggs. There is just so much to do that comes with the holidays. Grrr I am just so full of everything, thoughts, air, worries, plans, burger king. Too much! I need to relax.

Fearing Family.

Tis the season for family get-together's and spending quality time with them. I fear this completely. I have found myself close to tears a couple of times today just thing about hanging around them. I feel guilty about this, so much. I should give them more credit right? I just feel the judgement in their eyes when I tell them my unexpected news. I already feel like the black sheep of my family. I know that this is probably all in my head but no one really ever says different. I hope that I can just hold my head high and know that my family will love me no matter what, and that I will love them as well. Oh man I gotta tell my dad soon too. I need to NOT stress about this....Is that possible?

So I got a little relief at work from a co-worker. She reminded me that I am a grown woman that can make decisions for herself. My family needs to not judge and if they do then it is their problem not mine. I am doing all that I can to make things right for me and my own family. I think things will be fine, no, I know they will. 

Half Birthday!

So today marks the halfway point through my 29th year. I have got to say I am ready for the next 6 months! I remember I use to celebrate this day when I was little. I use to tell everyone that I was "whatever age" and A HALF!! I don't want to stop doing that. I want to celebrate life! I want to not fear aging.

It has been a nice lazy day. I am getting things ready for easter baskets. I need a few more things and then I want to dye eggs. The kids are with their dad this week so I won't get to see them until Sunday. I think I am going to dye Easter eggs by myself this year. I love taking picture of them when they are all done. I got a "groovy" egg dying kit so I should be able to have fun with it.

I have some tater-tot casserole cooling on the stove. I am so hungry lately! (duh.) I have about 3 other things that I want to cook and I just want to cook them all right now. I am just glad that I want home cooked food. I eat takeout way to much, but it is just so good.

No alarm.

Hooray, I get to sleep until I wake up tomorrow. I am so happy about that. Knowing me I will end up getting up early and then not be able to fall asleep. That is how it always seems to work out.

I am really having a serious case of missing my best friend. I haven't seen her in 10 months! She lives about 7 hours away, her and her husband both work a whole lot so it has been difficult for them to come home. I am just really missing her so much it makes me want to cry. She is such an amazing friend and person. I need her and it just sucks that we are so far apart. I really really hope I get to see her soon. We talk a lot on the phone but it just isn't the same.

I am starving and NEED to eat. I love how I can go from not feeling hungry to starving in 3 minutes. Time to feed this face!

Please hold.

I had to work late tonight so I missed dancing with the stars. I know my fave did great but I just gotta see it. So I feel a little bad for cutting this post short but, oh well. Please forgive me while I put ya'll on hold while I google the crap out of this episode. I can't wait for my hulu to update....too long to go without it.

Please hold.

I had to work late tonight so I missed dancing with the stars. I know my fave did great but I just gotta see it. So I feel a little bad for cutting this post short but, oh well. Please forgive me while I put ya'll on hold while I google the crap out of this episode. I can't wait for my hulu to update....too long to go without it.

Same old Sunday

It's just another Sunday here in my little world. Nothing new to talk about. My mind is tired and my body is catching up. This last week has been just crazy. I hope this week is more stress free then the last one. I just need some relaxing time to myself. I was busy as a bee this weekend and crammed just about as much as I could into Friday and Saturday. An Easter egg hunt, a trip to the mall, a trip to the doctors office, and a dozen more errands were ran. Now to sleep off the previous week!!! 

Busy thinking.

I find myself with a mindful tonight. Thinking about everything. Worrying about a lot as well. I feel whatever I try to do I am going to be judged somehow for trying to just survive in this world. I am busy as a bee trying to make sure that I can survive in this world and make sure that my children are well taken care of. Yet, when I need assistance I feel ridiculed for it, judged and made a fool. Believe me I would rather not have any sort of government assistance. I have lived 3 years in a small apartment with 40 dollars for food every two weeks and no medical assistance for myself or my children. I could no longer do it. I had my wages garnished for unpaid medical bills. I had had enough and chose to get some assistance. I have had it for a little over 8 months and I don't know how I survived without it.

Now I am by no means political. I think everything is very confusing when it comes to politics. I don't really know who to believe about what. I just keep reading about cuts here and there and most of them are aimed at the programs that help me the most. What did I do to deserve this. I really don't understand why the government wants to hurt the people that need the most help. Thanks for kicking me while I am down, I guess. I am moving to Canada....(just jokes)

I don't ever think that I deserve assistance. I am appreciative and am thankful for it. 

My fears.

I have been looking up a lot of single pregnancy support sites. I have came across one that I really enjoy and I might end up joining. It is just so touching to see all of the support there. It really makes me feel like I am not alone. Nobody to judge you or tell you that you are making the wrong decisions, just full on honest support. One thing someone wrote on there was that they made a list of all of their fears about their pregnancy. It made them feel better, so I am taking a note from this person to see if it works.

Fear #1. Having an unhealthy baby.
Fear #2. Telling my father.
Fear#3. Finances.
Fear#4. This little one growing up and not knowing the other half of its family.
Fear#5. How am I going to handle 3 kids.
Fear#6. Being alone and unwanted.
Fear#7. Being judged and looked down on.


Wow that actually helped. They all seem so small when I look at them like this. I know I can try my best to over come all of these. I know that I probably will have more to add as the time goes by but fear is natural. If I wasn't scared I would be worried...ha.

Pull it together.

Wow, last night was a crazy emotion-filled night. I kind of had a break down and I'm still having trouble dealing with somethings. I thought I was doing so well with all of the card I have been dealt lately. I have been being optimistic about things and just having an overall healthy attitude about everything. With one fail swoop all of that was shattered. I shouldn't let this nothing of a man get to me. He is losing in the end. I should feel sorry for his "new relationship" I still have gotten no response from my angry Facebook message. I don't know yet if I regret it or not. The one thing I am happy about is for saying exactly what was on my mind. I usually hold back and just let it fester. This time that didn't happen, I went for it and now I can't take it back. I am slightly proud of that. I don't need to hold back my emotions right now. I have the right to just let it all flow right out of me.

Now today is going to be difficult with work and having to pick up my kids from school. I usually have my mom to help me out when I work at 2, but not today. My mom is sick and I have to figure out if I can leave work and get them or if I can just come into work after I pick them up. I guess if worse comes to worst I will get them out of school early and take them to daycare. I just want to take a nap right now. I only got 3 hours of sleep but of course I am not feeling very tired. I hope I can just get to bed early tonight. This is my reason for an early post today. I need a break from something. Goodness someone just throw me a freaking bone here. 

Facebook ruins lives.

I am so emotional right now. My ex, and future baby daddy, just posted that he is "in a relationship" That just took me for a fucking whirl. I instantly let my emotions take control and messaged him the meanest Facebook message I could possibly think of. I don't know if I am going to regret it or not but I had to get my emotions out some how. I hate being that "crazy girl" but if there was ever a time that I deserved to be one it is now, right? I should be allowed to chew him a new asshole right? I really still don't know what to do about the whole situation except for call my best friends and cry. I have an enormous headache right now. I just wish I knew that everything was going to be ok. How can karma do me like this? Does an asshole like that deserve to be happy? Not in my book.

Work sucks.

Once again I am home late and the kiddos didn't get to bed until 11 o'clock. That is just not acceptable. I hate it so much. I guess I will only have to put up with it for a month or so but it is so tough. Not really tough on me but on my kids. They should be getting more then 8-7 hours of sleep a night. I just don't understand why my coworkers don't understand that. I know I have said all of this before but I hate it. I know I bring home the "bacon" and I make a decent living for a single mother. It all seems to come at too much of a price that I hate paying. I gotta figure this ish out. 

Song lyrics

I have decided to do something a little different today. I just wanted to post a few song lyrics that pertain to my life right about now. Its not going to be whole songs just the lyrics that I like, and relate to the most. Call me lazy but I like this idea.

"Well you couldn't be that man that I adored
you don't seem to know, seem to care
what your heart is for. But I don't know him anymore.
There nothing where he use to lie.
This conversation has run dry
That's what's going on. Nothings fine, I'm torn"
----Torn----by Natalie Imbruglia

"Well you lie like a penny in the parking lot of the grocery store
I just come way to natural to you"
----You Lie----by The Band Perry

"Everyday I fight for all my future somethings
a thousand little wars I have to choose between"
----Strip Me----by Natasha Bedingfield

"Although there's pain in my chest I still wish you the best
with a fuck you! (oo oo oo)"
----F**k You----by Cee Lo Green

"I get so tired of living like this
I don't have the time, neither do my friends
To stay up at night, to pull me through.
And to find the things to keep my mind off of you."
----What Do You Want----by Jerrod Nieman

"Before I put another notch in my lipstick case
you better make sure you put me in my place"
----Hit Me With Your Best Shot----by Pat Benetar

"I'm beautiful in my way cause
God makes no mistakes."
----Born This Way----by Lady Gaga

I know this is not a lot of songs, but Its the ones that I like to listen to often. They soothe my soul. 

Few things.

A few key things are coming up this month. Not really of significant importance, but milestones I guess. On the 17 of this month, it is my 11 anniversary of working at my place of employment. Wow! Yeah I am proud of myself. Not a lot of people can say they have been at a job for that long. No, it is not the most glamorous job and maybe a few people look down on me, but I support myself and my 2 (soon to be 3) children! (p.s.I'm not a stripper, not that there is anything wrong with that) The other milestone happens on the 20th! It will be my half birthday and I am halfway through my blog year! 6 months of blogging! Oh what a journey it has been. How much my life has changed and how much has stayed the same. I think these two milestones are pretty spectacular!

I almost slept right though.

I just woke up from what I guess you could call a nap. I fell asleep at like 10 o'clock! I almost slept through posting! Something woke me up! Ha ha! I think I might just go back to sleep but it is so hot in here.

You lie.

I am seeking comfort tonight in music. I came across a song that I love now. It is "You Lie" by The Band Perry. I think we all know our share of liars like this out there. Some of them don't even know the difference between the truth and a lie because I think they make themselves believe what they say is the truth. Now, I am not saying that I am innocent in all of this. I have surly said my share of lies.... I saw this man once, he had a t-shirt that said "EVERYBODY LIES" Now if that ain't the most truthful thing I have ever heard, I don't know what is. We all lie weather it is to make ourselves feel better or other reasons.

I just aim to be as truthful of a person as possible. I don't think I should hide the truth from someone just to spare their feelings. At this point I don't really think I have the ability to lie very much. Another thing is those people that claim they are brutally honest. Why be brutal? Just for your enjoyment? Just be honest, plain and simple. I just wish that I was never lied to by one certain person. It really hurts to no end. 

Pamper yourself.

We all need a day that we do something nice for ourselves. I went and got my hair done today. I feel pretty for the first time in a long time. Maybe it is a little selfish but I think I need to do more nice for myself. Other then getting my hair done and taking a nice nap, I didn't do much today. I need to prepare for the weekend full of work.

Today was a little frustrating though, it seemed like nothing wanted to work right. No water for a few hours and then the internet was being difficult. Ugh, not having water is not fun. I went Sat. through Tues. with no hot water and now this. Well, its on now so hopefully that will be the last of that problem. I am starting to feel a little icky so I think I need some relaxation. 

Where can I puke?

I'm just sitting at my desk, I just got home from work and from a late night Walmart run and now I feel sick. I know I just need to eat something but I just gagged and thought where can I puke. Its always nice to have that thought go through your head. I'm just going to drink some orange juice and see if that relaxes my tummy. Then I am going to relax my body. Goodnight! 

Life is good.

It might be the nap I had earlier, but I seem to be in good spirits right now. Or maybe it was the hand full of Swedish fish I just ate. I love feeling optimistic. I just hope this feeling lasts. I know that I will have some days that are not so great but I am just going to celebrate the good ones. There are so many reasons to be happy and I want to focus on that. I think that is healthy for me. The air outside smells so good and feels good too. I know it will be no time that the flowers will start blooming and I will be in my element.

I am a firm believer that happiness is a choice. You can choose to wallow in your own sadness and have a pity party for yourself or you can choose to be happy. I choose happiness. The negative thoughts and feelings are just not worth the energy. I just have faith that those who make me sad and those who are negative will have karma knocking at their door one day. I don't need to defend myself to anyone, I just need to be happy and be me!

What do you want?

I'm not knowing what to write in the ten minutes I have left before another day starts. I worked all day. I have no hot water. I didn't get to watch dancing with the stars. Not my day I guess.

Moving day.

Today I helped my mom move the rest of her stuff into her new place. I cleaned my old room for the last time! It was a little sad but her new house is so much nicer. I had to take a shower here because I have no hot water at home. Hot water is so not under rated! I am making this one short because I'm on,ny,cell and its about to die. Why can't smart phones be smarter about conserving battery?

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Venting.

I have some feelings that are a little on the hurt side. I feel rejected by a couple of people and I can't help but feel sad and mad about it. I thought I had plans with one of my best friends and then I see on her Facebook status that she is hiking or something in the hills without me. I feel really upset about this. Not only that but I sent a few texts in the last couple days and I get like no responses. I feel like I am just going to fade away to everyone.

Its ok I didn't want to do anything fun with you anyways. I know it is much more important to hang out with people that drink alcohol and can do other fun things. Ok, I am done for now. No more feeling sorry for myself. I'm done.